four hands

i'm not a socialist, but...

2012-01-24T12:40:00.000-08:00

I recently posted this as my status on facebook and thought it was worth making into a blog post for posterity. Excuse me as I get political but I do have a PoliSci degree so I may as well use it from time to time;) haha...

"I'm not a SOCIALIST but all the opinions being spouted right now with the buzz word 'socialism' complaining about those who've 'worked for it' not wanting to help those who 'don't work for it' sound to me like people who don't believe in welfare, which to me means not helping the poor in need. It's not always about whether you're working for it but whether you can work, or at least work enough to break the cycle. If you've never been in that situation, then lucky, LUCKY you. [And I hope that if you ever find yourself in that situation, you encounter people more merciful than yourself.] You don't know who you might be offending with this talk, by the way, like when people who've never had to wonder where their food is coming from talk to me about the "freeloaders" on foodstamps when I was on them for 4 years in university for the sake of my son. Yep... If you don't know what you're talking about, maybe you shouldn't talk. (See Prov 18:2)

I'VE been in need and been helped by those who could so I have no problem returning the grace that has been shown to me, even if it's not entirely 'earned.' Grace isn't earned, that's why it's grace. Maybe if we were a more generous society to begin with, it wouldn't have to be demanded of us. If I'm sounding a little 'left' for you, I'm pretty sure Deuteronomy 15:11 says, "There will always be poor people in the land. Therefore I command you to be openhanded toward your brothers and toward the poor and needy in your land." Oh, but I forgot... Christians are meant to be right-wing. [Let's just give to foreign missions and deem the local poverty the result of laziness.]

Before this starts a political/religious facebook dispute, I'm asking for NO COMMENTS lest they be deleted. It's my wall and I can say what I want. I'm not pro-Obama, in the slightest, nor do I even entirely agree with his system, but some of the arguments people are using against it are making them sound selfish and, quite frankly, stupid like you're missing the actual point. So please, please I implore you to come up with some wiser, more intelligent opposition points, cuz right now, no one's coming across in a positive light...no one."

*In response to a welfare comment:

I know that in [the city where I lived], where everyone who hasn't had to try assumes welfare is easy to come by, it's not. And I had to fight again and again for the measly amount of help we got and I lost my benefits several times because I didn't 'need' them enough. I had to swallow my pride and fill out the same forms repeatedly because we were struggling to get me through university so I could have a better, welfare-less future. People think it's easy to coast on benefits but it's actually virtually impossible [If you don't work, they don't give you enough benefits to actually live on, but the second you start working, they take the ones they were giving you away even if your new salary cannot replace the aid you were getting. Either way, you can't survive without additional help.] and they certainly don't give them away without lots and lots of proof of necessity. The sheer effort it takes to get them necessitates someone who is not lazy. Having been through it, I'd gladly pay more taxes now in the hopes that another single mom like me wouldn't have to experience the tears I did. Once again, don't entirely agree with his proposal but there are better arguments than 'I don't want to give what I have to people who don't have.' Nobody wins there.

in piam memoriam

2012-01-13T02:00:00.000-08:00

i don't even know why it is
i loved the last one,
soon it will be the same for you.
it's so hard looking back
when you're already in the next chapter,
but i really want to hold onto the truth.

so i write about it, and i sing about it,
it's the only thing i know how to do-

the way you looked into my eyes
the way you'd seem so satisfied
when i'd say, "hey, babe,"
sometimes i even miss it now
the way you'd kiss my brow as i'd vow:
'when this is through
i promise to remember you.'

will you remember?
say you'll remember-
could you please remember....

me?

resolutions 2012

2012-01-01T05:11:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure I kept my resolutions in 2011 as well as I did in 2010.
In fact, I know I didn't.
So, to add to those, which I intend to keep and build upon, here are this year's.

(The other two can be seen by clicking on the resolutions tag at the bottom of this post.)

Hold on to what's being held out

2011-12-31T13:12:00.000-08:00

This isn’t going to be easy to write and I’m sure it won’t get read by most but I need to say it. I haven’t blogged in a while. I took a trip away from myself; a very stupid and risky thing to do. I didn’t mean to; it wasn’t planned. I just got tired one day and, for the slightest second, stopped trying. This is when I slipped and fell down the rabbit hole to a place that was so far from home, I didn’t know how to get back or how I’d got there. I felt disconnected from myself and God. I felt weighed down in a way, in my weakened state, I didn’t know how to emerge from. And this cycle continued until I was so weak and so far from where I wanted to be that it seemed there was no way out. I became disillusioned by my life and disappointed with God. I went through a big transition this year, one I didn’t want to go through; one I thought, until the last minute, God would deliver me from. But He let it happen and I would love to tell you that I handled it with trust and faithfulness. That I said, “Your will be done, God,” and gracefully submitted myself to His plan. But I didn’t. Instead, I was hurt and, already feeling far from Him, I continued to spiral.

I became someone I didn’t think I could be at such a rapid rate, I was really more bemused than anything else. It was like I was watching my life not living it and I couldn’t seem to stop anything. I’d cry and tell God I was sorry but that I didn’t have the strength to pick myself up. Despite knowing this couldn’t be true because it’s not who He is, I felt like He didn’t want to help me… that He was disgusted with me the way I was disgusted with myself. So we co-existed for a while in silence and I started to resent that He wasn’t rescuing me but I didn’t give Him the chance. I couldn’t listen to worship music because the emotion it evokes was too much to handle. I prayed for safety for my family and my child, for blessings for others but nothing for myself. I felt like no words could suffice and despite being mad at Him, what I really felt was undeserving. I haven’t blogged because I haven’t even had coherent thoughts to express myself. I felt time wasting away and when I looked in the mirror all I saw was exhaustion staring back.

Then one day, I started reading through this blog and the posts I wrote last year when I was in a much better place spiritually and emotionally and thought, What happened? Where did this go wrong and why am I choosing to stay in this darkness when I could be in the light again? I took a shower and sat on the floor crying and praying, “This year is almost over and I’ve wasted so much of it being confused, hurt and distant. God, please…no more. Take me back, I want You more than I want anything else. Restore me and redeem what’s been lost.”

The enemy will try to convince you that you’re alone, that there’s no way out, that it’s too late, you’ve gone too far, that God’s too far, that your shame and guilt is too great. Lies. Such destructive, hurtful lies. When I took a second to stop being mad at God, I realized He’d been with me the whole time waiting on me, protecting me from myself and forgiving me before I’d forgiven myself just waiting for me to allow Him to give me back the things I thought I’d lost. As I was plundering down this path casting valuable part of myself aside, He was picking them up and keeping them for me for when I wanted them back. I thought those parts were lost but He restores. My God restores.

If I’ve learned one thing- and I’ve learned more than just one thing- it’s that none of us has any right to be prideful in our strength because it’s only by grace we ever have it anyway. I am so much weaker when I stop drawing from Him than I ever thought I could be. And He knew that all along and loved me anyway. Loved me before, knowing how I’d fail; loved me through, even as I pushed Him away; and loved me after, as though nothing had changed. And now, as Sanctus Real says, "Here in your arms, I know what I am: I’m forgiven. And I don’t have to carry the weight of who I’ve been cuz I’m forgiven."

If you’re feeling lost from yourself, take heart. You’re not alone and redemption is not as hopeless as it seems. Take that first step towards forgiveness and you’ll find you can still be all you were…and more. Hold on to what's being held out: The healing hand of God.

100th Post

2011-12-27T03:46:00.000-08:00

If the only prayer you ever say in your whole life is "Thank You," that would suffice.
~Meister Eckhart

Thank you, Lord...for everything.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

2011-12-24T08:53:00.000-08:00

We hope you are having a truly wonderful Christmas season and that the new year holds many blessings for you and your family. Lots of love from me and my little elf...xx

The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. ~John 1:14

Judy Garland sang it best. Embedding disabled so click here

ALSO! Track Santa's Christmas Eve journey here

Watch Instantly Wednesday: TIN MAN

2011-02-09T09:07:00.000-08:00

So, I'm pretty sure most people have Netflix these days. I normally use it for the Watch Instantly feature that allows you to watch uninterrupted movies from your computer. Honestly, the actual, tangible DVD that I have from Netflix has been sitting in a drawer for 2 years. Thank God for the no-late fees policy! Anyway, I've been stuck in the house a lot recently with sickness followed by the snowpocalypse the country endured last week so I've gotten caught up on my reading, cleaning, laundry and movie watching! Thought I'd recommend some of them so this may or may not become a regular feature.

TIN MAN (2007) starring Zooey Deschanel, Alan Cumming and Neal McDonough

The Syfy miniseries that has the same quirky, quasi-steampunk charm of the network's 2009 mini-series Alice caught my bored, cabin-fevered eye because I love Zooey Deschanel. However, I hate to say that she was pretty much the only actor in the entire movie who appeared to have no acting skills. She maintained virtually the same vapid facial expression for the entire three 1 1/2 hour installments, her reactions were badly timed and her lines were delivered as though she was reading them on the spot. I don't mean to be a jerk, but I usually so admire Ms. Deschanel's own quirky charm that it was noticeable how unbelievable her performance was. I would have thought she'd be the perfect pick for this little parade of eccentric characters. However, she stood out even further because everyone else seemed to throw themselves into their roles so distinctly, they had me believing that "The O.Z.," as they called the magical land in this adaptation, was a real place accessible by a mystical, transport tornado. Alan Cumming as the non-traditional Scarecrow character named Glitch, Neal McDonough's title role of Wyatt Cain the "Tin Man," Raoul Trujillo- aided by makeup in such a convincing depiction of a lion-man-creature I actually IMDBd him to see what he really looked like in human form- and even Kathleen Robertson as Azkadellia, the evil witch, not to mention Richard Dreyfuss dropping in as the Mystic Man- who some call a wizard;), bring this off-beat version of the brick road adventure to life in unexpected ways that leave no room for the archetype's musical interludes. For these reasons, I recommend this Netflix pick to anyone who enjoys sci-fi, fantasical voyages in make-believe lands, the proverbial good vs. evil battle, the original Wizard of Oz or, despite the disappointing portrayal, Zooey Deschanel. She brought us (500) days of Summer and the template for the perfect indie-talent union in her marriage to Ben Gibbard. I think we can forgive her this once...

insomnia nivicolous

2011-01-20T22:22:00.000-08:00

"Time never had a chance to heal your heart
Just a number always counting down to a new start
If you always knew the truth
Then the world would spin around you
Are you dizzy yet?

If everything I meant to you,
You can lick and seal then fold in two
Then I've been so blind."

resolutions 2011

2011-01-01T16:02:00.000-08:00

so the very first post on this blog- 96 posts ago!- was exactly one year ago today and was my resolutions for 2010. i think i did a fairly good job of keeping them, though they were somewhat abstract. i would like to keep those and add a few new ones...

beauty in the countdown

2010-12-31T19:12:00.001-08:00

This has been a great year.

I'm not even sure what to say about it.

I feel like I was completely broken down and rebuilt. It's been a year of contrast. I've had some of the worst moments and cried the most painful tears. But in the midst of it all, I developed so much appreciation for the brilliant subtleties in my life. I feel like my eyes were opened and I was kept in moments to experience them more fully, which was both agonizing and beautiful. God's strength was made perfect in my abundant weakness and I look back at 2010 and feel nothing but grateful for every detail of it. I have no distinct expectations for 2011 other than I know God will move because I think I've given Him the room. The picture I'd formulated in my heart of what I wanted and expected out of life has slowly disintegrated as I've learned to submit that which I cannot possibly orchestrate myself over to the Source of all creativity. I trust His plans are better than any I could design and I'm looking forward to stepping out in faith to what awaits in the new year. No clear cut expectations, just anticipation...and trust.

I have been so blessed this and every year.

Bonne Année!

(AND I think I pretty much kept my resolutions. New ones up tomorrow...) ♬Auld Lang Syne♬

joyeux noel, feliz natal, glædelig jul

2010-12-25T15:13:00.000-08:00

"In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it...The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth." John 1:4-5, 14

Merry Christmas! I hope your day is as blessed as mine has been. Lots of love...