what i wish you would know

Sunday, September 27, 2020


I wish someone had told me that when you’ve just been assaulted, raped, or molested that it is completely normal to clam up.

You have just been traumatised and you are in shock. Your brain needs to gear up for handling what just happened and that can take time.

I wish I had been told that in some situations, you can’t process what happened without giving it a lot of thought. And that those thoughts are so painful, you might put even beginning to process it on hold indefinitely. And that is a normal reaction.

I wish I hadn’t heard people always say that those who come forward are ruining the lives of the perpetrators and doing it for attention. Maybe then I would have felt safe to talk about it. Maybe then I would have felt that I might be believed. Maybe then I wouldn’t have felt the need to consider the ramifications for the monster who hurt me over the necessity to hold him accountable for what he did and over the necessity for getting myself help.

I wish I had been told that monsters don’t always look like monsters. They can come in the form of really nice guys. Very respected people. Beloved husbands and wives. Trusted leaders, family, and faithful friends. Maybe then I wouldn’t have been so confused by what happened and so fearful of being disbelieved.

I wish I had been told that confusion is a very normal side effect of trauma. And that while certain details would be undeniable and acutely clear, there would be a fog around them full of all the doubt, questioning, and justifying that comes with trying to reconcile how someone could do what they did.

I wish I had been told that feeling shame was natural and normal but not because I was to blame. Instead because sexual crimes are so personal and such a violation that it is difficult to feel like it isn’t a part of you and something that somehow came from you.

I wish I had been told that it was not a part of me. I wish society hadn’t shown me again and again that people who have been violated are considered to be less valuable than they were before. I wish I hadn’t seen people treated like damaged goods for something they didn’t do. Scrutinised for having the bravery to talk about it. And written off as hyper-sensitive, overreacting messes who probably somehow deserved it.

I wish I had been told that I could heal, because maybe then I wouldn’t have paced myself to carry this pain indefinitely by burying it, making it more deeply rooted inside me than it ever should’ve had the chance to get. I wish I had been given hope. Hope that I would be met with compassion and encouragement. Hope that my attacker would be held appropriately accountable and treated like the criminal instead of me. Hope that people wouldn’t view me in the light of this event for the rest of my life. And hope that the burden could be lifted and eventually dissolved in time.

I wish I had ever seen an example of someone coming through this victoriously with the backing of their community. I wish I hadn't seen time and again that we are comfortable taking the benefit of the perpetrator's brilliance at the cost of their victims' pain; that what they produce is more valuable than the personhood of those they hurt. Maybe then I wouldn’t have felt unimportant and unworthy of protection. Maybe then I wouldn't have felt permanently tainted in a way that made me feel like I had to hide it and, therefore, as though I was constantly a fraud that no one truly knew.

I wish I had been told I was still pure and beautiful and deserving of love. And that what was done to me was not normal, not okay, not something I should expect or get used to for being a female around males.* I wish I hadn’t been told at every turn that the male gaze is my responsibility and therefore the actions that follow that gaze are my fault. Maybe then I would have spoken up instead of preparing myself for a lifetime of similar feelings of degradation.

I wish talking about this were normal now so that other people wouldn’t continue to go through what I did. It’s still not, but it never will be if more voices don’t contribute to the conversation and counteract the chorus of cynicism and doubt.

So if you need to read this, listen to me and try your hardest to believe what I’m about to say.

You are not to blame for what happened to you. You didn’t invite it. And to those of you who just thought, “Yes I did, you don’t know the details of my circumstances,” listen to me: 

No, you did not. 

It’s okay if you were wearing a skirt. It’s okay if you were hanging out with your attacker. It’s okay if you had a drink or were drunk. It’s okay if you had been with them before. It’s okay if you froze in the moment and didn’t know how to stop it. It’s okay if afterward, you couldn’t talk about it. It’s okay if it took years to tell anyone; it’s okay if you still haven’t.

It’s normal if you feel shame, but you shouldn’t.
It’s normal to feel confused, but seek clarity on it.
It’s normal to shut down, but please don’t keep it inside forever.

Please know that you can be healed. Please know that this isn’t yours to carry. Please know that I believe you. I believe you.

Please know that you can love and be loved. And that you are strong. Even when you need to have weakness, you’re still strong.

It’s not your fault and you are going to get through this. Please know that.


*I'm aware men get assaulted as well and am not excluding them from this conversation. But the female experience is so entrenched in sexism and the objectification of women and our bodies that we don't just experience assault, we live in a world that continues to argue if we deserve to be treated humanely, with respect and rights, on many levels. And this puts us in a much more vulnerable position. Men are always included, but I've never seen an incidence of male assault being brought up without the intention of excluding women, undermining the issue at large, or an attempt to equalise blame. Facts, statistics, and cases more than support the conclusion that women are disproportionately affected by rape culture and assault of all kinds; that it is quite obviously related to a sexist society and the quest for male dominance. So while I am all for the protection of men and admit women are capable of committing crimes of the same nature, to pretend as though it is an equal problem for all is not only untrue but would ignore the root of the problem. Until we can break down the sexist notions, that have become norms, which do not protect women and that put men in a position of having to maintain a level of toxic masculinity that prohibits them from coming forward when they have sustained such an affront, we're never going to solve this problem for anyone. Toxic masculinity is also the direct result of sexism and hurts men as well, but often in different ways. I find that people tend to bring up male victimisation with the distinct purpose of disproving the validity of the female condition. Most perpetrators of pedophilia and adult sex crimes are men - well over 90%. We have a male problem, people. That is undeniable. Men do not live under sexist oppression in a way that makes even normal interactions at work, in the street, etc., situations where they must be hyper-vigilant, and places where they receive constant blame for all their issues. It's not an incident for women; it's a lifestyle. Men are welcome. Their stories are valid and respected as traumatic. They are welcome to be honest and bring their pain to the table of collective experience. They're more than welcome to be a part of the solution as their participation is direly necessary. But not at the cost of undermining the overall and unique struggle women face in a much larger and more deeply rooted context. To uproot the problem, we must acknowledge it in its fullness. And we must fight it together. 

pandemic pressure

Sunday, April 05, 2020




Can we take a minute to talk about this NONSENSE that is rampantly circulating? A lot of people barely have time in their normal lives to get done what they strictly need to do. Between work, family, and other duties, the To-Do list can be perpetually unfinished as it continues to get longer. That’s pretty much how adult life always rolls. If people are taking this time to simply get things together and more organised, then that’s okay. If they have been running at a million miles a minute and they are taking this time to just rest, that is okay. If they never really get enough time to themselves or with their family and they’re enjoying quality time, that’s also okay. 

But there are plenty of people who are struggling right now to pay for rent or food, not to mention those who are sick or have sick loved ones. There are people still required to somehow work from home, even though their job isn’t equipped for that, and are expected to be equally productive. There are people who cannot work from home and are scrambling to have a “survival hustle,” let alone a side hustle. There are people who are still working outside the house and are keeping our entire society functioning while risking their own lives. There are parents, many of whom are still working, who must homeschool their kids for the first time while keeping those cooped up kids (and themselves!) sane. These people have LESS spare time than ever. And there are people who rely on routine to maintain their mental and/or physical health and have to navigate that without their usual coping mechanisms. (Even if I didn’t have the virus, I have chronic illness. And not being able to maintain my regular diet or activities is going to cause long-term damage for me and others like me. This adds to my emotional distress that is already exacerbated by confinement and concern for my and my son’s immediate health. There are countless people like me suffering in this very real way.) 

If people come out of this mentally and physically healthy, but with no new skills, no revolutionised fitness, no newly made work of art in any form, then they aren’t undisciplined, they are prioritising and surviving. And let’s not forget, too many people will not come out of this at all. And many more than that will be in grief for those they lost. This isn’t a vacation, it’s a global crisis that comes with lots of reasonable worry and stress and a lot of ADDED responsibility for a lot of people. Also, vacations are designed for relaxation as a respite from an overly busy life. So, even if this were a paid holiday for everyone, which it definitely isn’t, doing nothing much wouldn’t be lazy, it’d be restorative. If you are in a place where this feels like spare time and you have any mental, physical, or financial stability, then you’re in a place of privilege. Please acknowledge that and be sufficiently grateful for it. And please realise that being at home full-time for most people is not easy nor without a full slate of obligations that must be fulfilled with limited mobility and access to typical resources. So, it’s not the time to put unnecessary performance pressure on people who feel it constantly under normal circumstances. And it certainly isn’t a time to be superior or passive aggressively insulting. 

1000 words

happy boxing day

Wednesday, December 26, 2018


It's a day late because we were just having so much fun yesterday, I forgot to post. 
So, Merry Christmas, one and all! We are having an amazing holiday season and are so grateful to everyone who has been a part of it.

"For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."

- Isaiah 9:6


only one good thing worth trying to be and it's love

the art is the artist

Saturday, December 01, 2018


Separating the “art” from the “artist” is just another way in which we fail to give the “artist” consequences for whom they are and the bad things they have done. And it is just another way that society fosters the normalisation of these bad things by saying we will continue to afford these “artists” freedom to be and work and be praised regardless of what they do. This gives “artists” licence to be destructive people as long as they are producing something we consider valuable and wish to not do without as payment for their crimes. What a precedent to set. That you could make yourself so invaluable you could do what you want to others as long as there are more people that you are entertaining than there are people that you are hurting. We have decided there is a price for our enjoyment that we are comfortable with, and that is the pain of these artists’ victims. I don’t care what he did to you as long as I get something out of him. Please don’t send him to jail for how he robbed you of something vital and human lest I do not get to enjoy more of his movies, his books, his speeches, his company. He’s a genius, he’s great, he’s funny, he’s creative, he’s enjoyable - TO ME ... He’s scary, he’s capable of heinousness, he closes doors to commit atrocities and then opens them to receive accolades and praise for what he projects outwardly. Inwardly, he is evil. He is the worst person - to you. But that doesn’t matter to ME because it doesn’t happen TO me. In what other arena can people escape being held accountable for a crime because it is inconvenient for their audience to lose them? Can a murderer exchange brilliance for freedom? Can a larcenist charm his way out of handcuffs? Would you look at a stabbing victim bleeding out and say you can’t do anything about their attacker because they contribute other things to society and you don’t want to rock the boat? You don’t want to ‘ruin’ the attacker’s life by making them answer for the things they have chosen to do? Is that how law and order works? Until we decide that the “art,” in whatever form it comes, is not worth the cost of the “artist’s” victims' lives and sanity and safety, we cannot call ourselves a civilised society. We sit clapping like deranged seals giving agency to offenders because they are not 100% a villain like a Disney character. No human is, so that cannot be the standard for which we demand liability, recompense, or repercussions. And we cannot expect these victims to be grateful, be cordial, or to carry on coolly accepting of us when we tell them our comfort and amusement trumps their protection and welfare. The art is the artist. And I don’t want any “art” that is painted in the blood and tears of people who deserved protection, nor do I care to call that “artist” a friend of mine.

don't excuse me while i get political

I Was Bullied and I Don't Shoot People

Friday, June 15, 2018


I've been seeing posts like these recently and the comments that inspire them, and it has me vexed. This constant need to explain away the crimes of entitled white people is inane and utterly exhausting. I was bullied in middle school. I was a skinny, little girl about 4 inches shorter than I am now. A boy physically bullied me and it physically hurt. Badly. That year, a lot of other stresses were culminating in my life and that's when my anorexia began, which continued for the next six years. I was in physical and emotional pain, and yet I didn't go on a rampage and I didn't hurt other people. Frankly, I was too busy hurting myself, which is not a healthy reaction either, and I certainly don't advocate it. But I didn't think others deserved to suffer for what I was going through, even when others were downright causing it. I stood up to my bully once after months of harassment and that, thankfully, put an end to it. I know other bullying stories don't always end so well and I am grateful it did not continue to escalate. But that doesn't mean that it, combined with everything else I was going through, didn't take a significant enough toll. And yet, here I am, a relatively healthy and balanced person and distinctly not a shooter of any kind, let alone a mass killer. 

Mass shooters are overwhelmingly straight, white males, who are mostly conservatives, often claim to be Christian, aren't overweight, and don't even wear glasses. Do you have any idea how much teasing I endured for wearing glasses at the age of 7? And I rocked them just as well then as I do now! Yet conservatives are spouting nonsense like we should be kinder to people and that girls should stop rejecting guys so they don't become shooters. First of all, plenty of people who are treated nicely hurt others. And plenty of people who are treated badly hurt no one. Yes, we should all be kinder to each other but some people will play the victim no matter how good their life is. And I'm not going to blame someone who had problems of their own, as we all do, for not noticing the one quiet kid. We all go through stuff and while we have a responsibility to those around us, it is unreasonable to expect that we make everyone we come into contact with happy. Secondly, it's your choice what you do to people. If they aren't nice to you, it's still on you if you retaliate. And thirdly, why should girls date ANYONE they don't want to, let alone someone who has the potential to kill people because they didn't get everything they wanted in life? Can we stop putting the blame on anyone, but especially women, for the actions of hateful men? When does the blaming of women for not wanting men that want them end? When? Because I, myself, have been a victim of it more times than I care to count and it is such an immature, pampered, self-centred, and generally hateful mindset to have. And US conservatives, who have the audacity to still believe they actually stand for anything close to family values, are suggesting we pimp ourselves out to avoid violence from men lest their outrage be justified? Just let that sink in for a second. 

Men have shot up workplaces that didn't offer them a job, workplaces that fired them with reason, and workplaces where they were still employed. They have shot families at a concert, people at a nightclub, elementary school kids, church goers, restaurant and cinema patrons, shoppers at a mall, and people walking down the street. These are men who believe the world owes them something and therefore believe they are entitled to hurt anyone in that world. They don't lash out exclusively at those whom they perceive wronged them. They make a scene, exert their power, and wield a deadly weapon that has been marketed as a tool of manliness. 

When the demographics that get picked on the most are not the ones doing the murderous tirades, this argument just sounds like willfully tone-deaf lunacy. Stop blaming doors (yes, a Texas official said schools should have fewer doors so shooters can't get in as easily), and teachers who aren't armed, and students who didn't high-five the loner enough. Blame easy access to guns and a culture of toxic masculinity that breeds aggression, resentment, and the notion that your own desires and feelings take precedence over the desires and rights of others. And stop tolerating for a second when anyone wants to give more sympathy to the shooter than his victims because they somehow twistedly deserved it on some fabricated level. Do not entertain the media when it wants to spend weeks pouring over the personal life of every white shooter, interviewing distant relatives, reading diaries, desperately searching for a shred of justification so we don't have to admit that white people can be straight up violent - so we don't have admit that we're actually the most violent - when we label any person of colour who commits any crime a "terrorist" before we even know their name.

We need to stop showing the shooters' pictures on the news. I'd be for omitting their name from public record. The Parkland shooter, whose name I refuse to look up right now, is getting fan mail in prison, for goodness' sake! I say, instead, we exclusively flood the news with details on every single life that was stolen that day. We do not let the shooters go down in a blaze of glory seeking infamy. We show them they will gain no notoriety and no one will even know their name. And instead we refer to them as what they are - mass murderers. Not "lone wolves," not the bullied loner, not the mentally disturbed teen. Mass -- murderer. Anything less is inexcusably racist and morbidly indulgent. Any murderer has mental problems. You'd have to be crazy to intentionally kill anyone, let alone a bunch of people, but it's not an excuse. There are plenty of people with real and debilitating mental disorders who don't go on killing sprees. The causation simply isn't there.

What would happen if most mass shooters were women? We'd be treated like the brainless, hormonal, second-class citizens we were seen as mere decades ago. We'd probably be fighting for the right to vote again. What if most of them were black? Would we be saying it's a case of mental illness, while simultaneously refusing to make access to mental healthcare more easy and affordable like we do now? You know we wouldn't. And you know exactly why we wouldn't. We need to stop letting white men make the decisions that enable other white men to hurt so many. 

Gun violence is not the price of freedom; many perfectly free countries do not endure the tragedies of the United States. Rampant, uncontrolled gun violence is the result of an anarchy spurred by greed and it threatens the lives of more citizens than it protects. Gun control now. Stop assigning blame to everything but what is to blame and start protecting our safety, our freedom, and our children already.