bad day that i'll get over

jogging, crying, praying

Monday, June 28, 2010

i went for a jog the other day. i have a bad ankle, shin splints, and an irregular heartbeat, so you can imagine that jogging, regardless of physical condition, isn't the easiest thing for me. but i still go anyway, especially when i'm particularly upset. i don't have my iPod. i lost my cute, little, green 3rd generation nano a couple months ago, so i've been using my dad's iPod touch, which, call me crazy, i just don't like as much. it had no music i wanted to listen to so i started off my jog to the Thriller album. don't ask me why the Thriller album is on my dad's iPod. pretty sure my friend who works for him put it on there. by the time i was half a mile away from my house, (and halfway through Beat It) i felt like my head was going to explode with all the thoughts and frustrations boiling together inside. i took off my earphones and chucked the iPod and my water bottle in a bush, (don't worry, i retrieved them, unharmed, later), and started shouting at no one. i grabbed my stuff and ran to an overpass, sat on the sidewalk and stared at the cars on the highway below passing under me. it was then, with idiot drivers honking at me- apparently with no purpose but to make me more mad- that i began to cry.

i'm not sure if you could call what i did next praying as much as it was crying at God and venting everything i was upset about: all the things in my life that are a disappointment, all the ways i feel we haven't got what we deserve and how hurt i am by Him that He seems to withhold things i believed He'd promised. i screamed, silently - in my head, glaring at each car that approached (especially the hilarious honk-sters). when i'd sufficiently covered everything i had to say and waited enough to realise i probably wasn't getting much of a response right then, i wiped steaming tears away from my fuming eyes and waited for my heart rate to drop. jog or no jog, i'm pretty sure i burned some calories... i took a deep breath and ran back to my house as fast as my sore shins would take me, took a shower and cried some more.

do i feel all that better now? no.
will i? yes, and probably soon.

i'd love to have some inspirational conclusion to this post, but sometimes, i think it's just somehow encouraging to know that someone else is having a bad day, too. so, if you're having a rough time, you're not alone. if you need someone to share it with, i'm a pretty trustworthy confidante. and if it crosses your mind to say a prayer for me, i'd appreciate it. and by the way, God is still my best friend, just incase anyone was worried...

lots of love, me

God

happy thanksgiving

Sunday, June 27, 2010

i've been a little frustrated lately... a little down, a little confused, a little disappointed.

all those 'littles' can really add up. and what i always tell my kids ~ 'kids' being the one child that's actually mine as well as the various youths i've worked with for the past 6 years ~ is that when you pray, you should always start with thanksgiving, because by the end, you might find you have less to ask for than you initially thought. so, this is what i'm thankful for:



- I'm thankful that I have a God who cares about every aspect of my being and my day, even when I go about those days not giving Him the thought He deserves. I'm also thankful that I live in a place where I can express this without fearing for my life.
- I'm thankful I have the most amazing child who surprises me every day with how intricate his little character is. I would rather spend nights like last night: hardly sleeping, sponging him down, waking up every few hours to give him medication, and praying for his fever to break than be a part of any life-scenario in which he isn't present.
- I'm thankful that, even though my heart is constantly broken between two continents, several countries, and many cities, I have people to miss. No matter where I am, I miss someone because I have loved ones everywhere. I'm lucky...
- I'm thankful that I have a crazy family who's always there for me when I need them and that I never need to go through any situation alone.
- I'm thankful that, even though my life has not gone the way I'd hoped or planned it would have by this point, I've had some blessings I couldn't have imagined or expected.
-I'm thankful that even though I don't know where my future is going, I can rest in the knowledge that God wants to get me where I need to go even more than I do, and I will get there. (thanks to Mark Batterson for reminding me of that)
See? Not so bad now. What are you thankful for?

adam brody

sick days...

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

sick days were fun when you were a kid cuz you got to miss school and watch TV all day long. now, i have an energetic child jumping around me and i've missed the last two days of work, which i feel badly about. but the tv element is still there, so i've been watching old episodes of The O.C. on casttv.com and youtube. (and yes, i did just totally cry watching the finale...as i did 3 years ago when i first saw it. i wish that show had lasted longer...)


it's kinda making me wish i were in California right now. and i'm also craving American-Mexican food...you can't get good Mexican food in Europe- just every other kind of good food, so yea.




i would also like this, please...seth, adam, either way. i have a thing for scruffy, indie, drummer guys. hahaha...


need music? listen here


anyway, feel better! no, wait...that's me. blah...


young cuz

our life is not your life

Friday, June 18, 2010

du gjord din valen , lov oss ensam.

sometimes, you make choices. and when those choices affect other people, and those people gave you a million chances to make the right choice and you eventually made the wrong one, you need to live with the consequences of all the decisions that brought you to where you are now. you may not like where you are now, but know that it has been entirely your own making and you need to respect these people who were affected by leaving them in the only peace they've been able to achieve with the lack of choice they were left with after you selfishly made all of your own choices. something to think about, readers...

anjelah johnson

i had a dream

Wednesday, June 16, 2010


i dreamed of you last night and woke up exhausted.
the other night, i dreamed of him and awoke rested.
what does that mean?


so, the past few weeks, i've been working, which has mainly consisted of research on Women's Rights and Human Trafficking. sometimes, i am overwhelmed by the apparent hopelessness in this world. where does one even start to make a difference? 'on your knees' is the only answer that i have to that question. so many of our world's problems are systemic, spiritual, and deeply and convolutedly rooted. i just want to do something. i just want to help someone. i want healing, i want restoration, i want security. i want to believe that my son isn't inheriting a worthless planet and i want to know that my existence on it meant something, did something ~ something good. i'm angry... but in a way that i think we all should be. you should be mad that your safety has been robbed, you should be mad that you don't get all the rights to which you are entitled. and if you can't be mad for yourself, and if your life seems pretty sheltered and comfortable, you should be mad for others' sake. if you're not angry to the point of wanting to do something about it, you simply do NOT understand what is going on...

but, when you're too angry and there's nothing you can do about it right then, you should blow off some steam and relax a bit. and i recommend doing this by watching 'That's How We Do It', a stand up act by comedienne Anjelah Johnson, who is funny and clean at the same time. rare find these days. the show is on 'watch instantly' for those who have netflix.

since this post started with talk of dreams, here's a song by Priscilla Ahn called Dream.