This has been a great year.

I'm not even sure what to say about it.


I have been so blessed this and every year.

Bonne Année!

"In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it... The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth." John 1:4-5, 14

So, I graduated!


Eight semesters, Dean's list a time or two, and I have no idea how I did it. People ask how I managed to get homework done while having a child and doing all the other things life entails -not to mention the endless sick days!- and my only answer, because it IS the only answer, is that it's God.

Thanks to God and the support of my family and friends, I managed to get through. It's all a bit of a blur now...

I can't believe four years have passed. Really, four and a half cuz I took a semester off. I'm relieved it's over and so happy about a homework-less life but a little nostalgic. And I'm a nerd so I'm not sure how long I can go being outside of school. haha...

Can't really tell you what I learned in university! ha... Not even sure I could re-take the exams I took last week at this point. My brain decided I was done and promptly removed all evidence of school life, I believe. But I do know I'm not the girl who started this journey in 2006. I know what I've learned as a person, as a believer, as a leader, and as a friend. And I'm grateful...

Thank you to everyone who got us here- through prayers, support or just cheering me up or being there for me so I had the motivation to get through one more day. I'm well aware that the strength needed was beyond my own. That's how we do it... haha... I am blessed. xx

(my song with my son)

I love you, but I hope she'll love you more
I love you, but it's time for letting go,
I'm letting go.

I love you, but I hope she'll love you more,
I love you, but it's time for letting go,
I'm letting go.

I love you, but I hope she'll love you more,
I love you, but it's time for letting go,
I love you, but your life awaits and so does mine,
I love you, but I trust somehow we'll both be fine,
I love you, but I hope she'll love you more,
I love you, but it's time for letting go,
I'm letting go...

I'm letting go.

So, I went on a trip over the weekend, as previously mentioned. Went to see one of the lovely people in my life who makes me wish teleportation were real so distance wouldn't exist in practicality. I had about 8 hours on the way up and 6 on the way down (freeway pile up on the way up, semi-speeding on the way down;) to sit and think and pray. On the way home, I didn't even listen to music. For someone who basically uses this blog to indoctrinate my readers with my favourite (yes, that's spelled right) bands and songs, that was notable. And also, the in-between time being with said lovely person and his lovely friends was edifying in a much needed way. I think I'm in a pretty good place in life. I would like to think I've sorted out some stuff. For those of you who wrote me concerned over my jogging, crying, praying post, I think I've really come through a lot recently and refined my thoughts, desires, and intentions. But of course, we never get to settle for too long. There's a next step looming rather imminently at present. I feel like I'm being prepared for something, like it's just beyond my grasp but won't be for long. I'm becoming a less tolerant person. Less tolerant of laziness, of wishy-washiness, of irresponsibility, of acting like I don't know who God is. He is Love. He is perfect. His timing is perfect. He wants what's best for me. He knows what I need more than I do. He wants to get me to where I need to go even more than I do and is more capable of getting me there than I am. He is worthy of trust. He has more than earned it. Frankly, I'm just not prepared to miss out on what He has for me because my own human-ness got in the way. So, I plan to start this season on the right foot.

Happy Thanksgiving! For what am I thankful? My son, my family, my friends- especially those lovely people;)- safety, provision, and for a God who's taking me somewhere I can't see but know I want to be. I like to wake up to this. So much so that when I went away for the weekend, I ended up quickly making another for myself to have there.


"Lord, I trust you with the desires of my heart and I will delight in You daily knowing your timing is perfect and I am where I should be today."

I hope you have a great Thanksgiving, beautiful people. (Check out this guy; he's pretty sweet. The second song on my playlist here is his.)

(driving to see a friend. see you next week!:)

my roadtrip music:
Freelance Whales, Stateless, Band of Horses, Jailbox

So, these are some photos I took at my friend's wedding that I attended last April (scanned from film prints and then facebook-copied so the resolution sucks, I know!). I met the bride in 4th grade and despite having sporadic bouts without contact, we seem to have gone through some similar things in our lives over the years and have remained friends.

Something I haven't even told her (ha~) is that I was a little nervous for her when I heard she was engaged and that the date was set. She met this guy, got engaged and had the wedding planned all within about a year. I'm a long engagement type of person, but I remembered she and I having had a conversation a few years earlier in a period of our mutual singledom where she'd said that once she knew she wanted to share her life with someone, she would just want to start that life as soon as possible. (Very When Harry Met Sally:)


So, I went to the wedding and met her now-husband for the first time at the rehearsal dinner. They had nine people on either side of their wedding party and I sat there- eating some pretty sweet pasta with the looming threat of a group dance lesson for wedding preparation immediately following (it's super hard for someone my height to dance with a guy who's so tall, each one of his strides is about the length of my entire leg! haha...)- and listened to all these stories these friends were telling about this couple. It was no surprise to me that my own friend is awesome and loved by many. She's beautiful, has a heart for God, and is a total catch on so many levels. Was this man worthy of my amazing friend? Apparently... yes. (Well, as worthy as any man is of an excellent woman. I'm pretty sure he gets that;)


Here's something that I was not aware I'd been doing until that moment. See, I'm in my mid-twenties and a lot of guys my age are not grown up yet. Some, I fear, will never really assume the role of a mature, godly man. I'm not saying you can't be youthful at my age- in fact, please feel free to be youthful at any age. But there's a difference between youthful and juvenile. People ask me why I'm single- that's an awesome question by the way, thanks for asking! And despite having had past reasons like, "It's a transitional period in my life- I'm not over my last relationship- I need time for me/my son right now," the answer recently has been: "I haven't found a guy who is what I need, let alone anything extra that I want." And I'd slowly been internalising this belief that I would eventually have to settle for a guy that was a decent Christian and relatively mature, even if he wasn't even where I was in those arenas.


But then, I sat at this table hearing nine- count them: nine- men, and I will use the word men here, who all supported each other and this groom and edified God in their lives and relationships with each other and their significant others. These guys assured my friend that she was marrying a man who could truly be the head of their household and that hit me like a ton of bricks. See, my household consists of me and a 6-year-old. Look around... there's no one else. So who's the spiritual head of my household? Me. Someone needs to be, so it's me and while I feel I am capable of leading my son spiritually, I don't want to settle for a decent Christian guy. I want a man who can lead a woman like me. And not to be conceited, but I'm worth more than decent. For the feminists out there, I'm not saying I will be any less than a full partner in my marriage... but that's exactly why he shouldn't be any less than one either. And I also know that my God, who has brought me this far making me the woman I am and my son the amazing character he is, has not done so only to deliver someone who is less than what we need... and deserve.


I realised I'd been preparing myself to settle, but the wedding that followed the next day was so full of peace. I'd never seen a bride so jitter-less or a couple so soundly excited in the anticipation of their future and confident that this step they were taking together was divinely appointed and that they had found the partners they were meant to find. I want that- and nothing less. So, why am I single? Because I have yet to have any relationship prospects that are what I actually need. And what do I essentially need? I could run you through a list, but here's the overall point: I need a man who can be the spiritual head of my household because whoever can be that will be the other things I need. He will be an example to my son of what a man should be. He will respect me and cherish me. He will be capable of shouldering the burdens of my family's life and the battles we encounter spiritually. And if God took the time to make me the multi-faceted person that I am, I'm pretty sure He won't have forgotten to add in the other details I would need to feel understood that involve music, creativity, travel, humor, etc. So, I guess the even shorter overall point is, I need the man God made with me in mind. I don't expect perfection by any means, but I do expect something worth the wait so I will continue to trust, and in the meantime continue to make myself someone worth waiting for...


Sometimes songs with no words say everything you mean...

Take a pot and heat some apple cider:
(you can substitute regular apple juice, if you can't find cider)

Add a dash of this:

A few squirts of this:

Throw in a couple of these:

Maybe a teaspoon of brown sugar:

Bring to a light boil then let simmer for about 10 minutes,
serve with whipped cream and some of the caramel syrup:

Et voila!
I still have strep throat but I feel a little better...

This is me and Buzz Lightyear trick or treating
in this part of town where the store fronts hand out candy.

This is my awesome bird headband:

Me and Buzz being silly, which is so not like us...

Here's a song we played at Prom. See? I'm not just an indie/alternative/SubSaharan polyrhythm;) junkie. I enjoy symphonies, operas, and musicals. My family and I saw Phantom of the Opera in the West End when I was in high school. The movie was pretty good actually. This was a fun scene:

a prisoner of complexity,

you don't trust me with your love,

through intricacy of imperfection

you beg for answers from above,

but when the sun shines across your face

you're so beautiful-

my God, you're beautiful,

your life awaits much grace

but you don't care,

you just don't care,

Looking for inspiration for a masquerade I have tonight I came across this old picture of me and a friend in Venice. In hindsight, Venice would've been the perfect place to buy my mask for tonight. If only I'd had the foresight (and the money) in 2006 to realise I would need one on this day in 2010! Silly me... I've had to make do with Hobby Lobby supplies and my amazing superglue skills! Pictures will ensue...

Ok, I should really do homework now. I mean, continue the homework from which I took a brief break. Right...

Almost forgot to leave you with some music! This is a few years old but I'm currently enjoying re-discovering them:

Freelance Whales busking for the fun of it last Spring

"Still too young to fail,
Too scared to sail away
But one of these days
I'll grow old and I'll grow brave and I'll go
One of these days."

(i just took this picture with my webcam, hence the crappy resolution.)

i'm in a weird mood.
nostalgic, maybe?
pensive, introspective- what have you.

your eyes dance over me,

your lips breathe symphonies

of compliments

motivation? procrastination... no instigation, just indignation with monotony, vapidity and insipidity.

Hey, Mr. Music Man, sing me your sad song,

Hey, Mr. Music Man, let me sing along

And I could be

Your Harmony

Hey, Mr. Music Man, sing me your sad song,

Hey, Mr. Music Man, say it's been too long

And we are through

With this old tune,

Hey, Mr. Music Man, sing it once again,

Hey, Mr. Music Man, we're coming to the end

It's time that we

Pick a finale...

To a Stranger, Walt Whitman

"Passing stranger! you do not know how longingly I look upon you,
You must be he I was seeking, or she I was seeking, (it comes to me
as of a dream,)
I have somewhere surely lived a life of joy with you,
All is recall'd as we flit by each other, fluid, affectionate,
chaste, matured,



You grew up with me, were a boy with me or a girl with me,
I ate with you and slept with you, your body has become not yours
only nor left my body mine only,
You give me the pleasure of your eyes, face, flesh, as we pass, you
take of my beard, breast, hands, in return,
I am not to speak to you, I am to think of you when I sit alone or
wake at night alone,
I am to wait, I do not doubt I am to meet you again,

you are across the sea from me,

from me,
but if this ocean would envelope me
in waves that flow to you
then I'd learn to breathe under water
just to be less far from you...

the title of my last post was 'i was waiting for so long for a miracle to come.' that's a quote from the song i posted at the bottom which always reminds me of my son. but the reason i picked out that particular line was that my son came as a very special miracle to me. see, in high school i had a heart condition called Neurocardiogenic Syncope. my heart would accelerate and my blood pressure would drop suddenly without any warning. i'd be totally fine and the next second, i'd be having a panic attack or my body would shut down and i would feel trapped inside. or, in the worst cases, i would just pass out. i was walking from my room one day and the next thing i knew, i was waking up on the floor three strides away from the staircase. if i'd passed out three seconds later, i would have tumbled -unconscious- down the stairs. i missed most of the last six months of my senior year because of this sickness and as doctors scrambled to figure out what exactly was wrong with me, at 17 i faced the reality that i might have a fatal problem.

i was told to not even try for kids until at least my mid-twenties when my adolescent hormones had balanced out which may or may not have helped the condition. they had no way of telling if i would be one of the people who grew out of it or if i would always have it. i was assured that having children was not only dangerous for obvious reasons- like i could pass out while pregnant or if i were alone in the house with a baby, maybe even while holding it- but also because i was told that my heart could probably not take a pregnancy, let alone labour. for someone who's always loved children, this was a devastating thought.

i got pregnant at 19, which was obviously not planned. i was in architecture school, i lived half the planet away from my then-boyfriend and being a mother was not in my plans right then, if at all given my health. but of course the minute i felt life inside of me- and i did feel it, even before i knew for sure i was pregnant- my priorities changed and all i wanted was to protect and cherish that life. it was a stressful and traumatic pregnancy both physically and emotionally. i had such bad morning sickness, my son and i were literally starving to death because i couldn't keep food down. i was also forced to defend to some people my decision not to abort my child to an exhausting degree (NOT my family members, in case you were wondering. they were nothing but supportive.) i had all the signs of early labour as well- dilating months before my due date and having contractions that kept me in bed for whole days at a time. once again, i was faced with the possibility of death. the enemy plagued my thoughts. i had such strong, instinctual love for the child inside of me and a voice in my head told me i would never get to see him. i wrote a journal throughout my pregnancy mainly because i worried it would be the only thing he'd have as proof of my love, and spent much of my second trimester drafting and notarizing legal documents for the eventuality of death.

i had stayed on my heart medication during most of the pregnancy because the doctor said the damage to the baby would be worse if i passed out than the possible effects of the medication. however, i had to come off of them before labour in case i needed drugs in delivery that couldn't mix with my meds. like the rest of the pregnancy, delivery was stressful and traumatic, not to mention drug-free. in the minutes immediately proceeding, i went into shock and i lay there, once again trapped inside my own body, thinking my fears had come true and praying that God wouldn't let my son grow up without me. i came through and actually got to see my beautiful baby. examining his perfect fingers and toes, i already thought he was such a miracle.


however, six months later, i had my cardiac check up to determine what the plan was for re-starting my medication. but the doctor said i had the heart of an athlete and medication was not necessary. all the doctors who had told me that pregnancy hormones would either not affect my condition at all or simply make it worse were suddenly stuttering that the pregnancy must have helped my heart. i just sat back and smiled knowing that some things can't be explained medically. i still have an irregular heartbeat- though let's admit it: regularity doesn't really go with me anyway- but there is no trace of my former condition now. my son was and is my miracle. he was my gift from God even when i wasn't worthy- not because of who i am, but because of who He is. i was surprised by my pregnancy but God was not and my healing and subsequent motherhood to this amazing child was God's way of telling me that He had always had a better life for me in mind than the one i expected to have when i was younger.

this time 6 years ago, i thought i was in some pretty bad pain. the pain that came a few hours later laughed in the face of this pain. it was the kind of pain that you can't breathe through but manage to live through anyway. it was the kind of pain that transcends time. you start to lose your mind a little as you realise you can't even imagine what life will be like on the other side.

i had no idea what life would be like on the other side...photo courtesy of Katy Miller



...i was waiting for you.