1000 words

a little reminder...

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Best Wishes (the 19th of May, 2007)

So I can breathe without you
Get up and step into the shower
Sometimes I dream about you
But I prefer those waking hours
Who knew, who knew?
Who knew, who knew?

And I can sing without you
There's still a voice inside of me
Can shop for rings without you
And smile to see my left hand's free
Who knew, who knew?
Who knew, who knew?

No, I don't cry about you
You're not worth those tears anymore
But I still laugh without you
Even more deeply than before
Who knew, who knew?
Who knew, who knew?

You know he looks just like you
But all I see in him is him
Sometimes he asks about you
And I can answer with a grin
Who knew, who knew?
Who knew, who knew?

Should've said "I do," today
Beneath a veil of ivory lies
But I came through this day
Single and even more alive

Who knew, who knew?

Who knew, who knew?

bad day that i'll get over

a kick in the teeth and some cherry coke

Friday, January 22, 2010

my family has this weird expression when something good happens, be it mild or extraordinary: "it's better than a kick in the teeth." basically meaning it's better than nothing or better than something bad. well, yesterday i found out some news that was NOT better than a kick in the teeth. in fact, i would have much preferred the aforementioned method of assault to the emotional one i sustained, cuz surely by now, with the aid of some ice and ibuprofen, the bad feeling would be gone.

instead, i wake up this morning feeling like throwing up. if i were a drinker, (and by that i mean drinker of alcohol, as we are all drinkers of some beverage, obviously) now would be the time for a hard one. instead, i sit here with my one liquid indulgence ~ some cherry coke, complete with maraschino cherries. it's calming the nausea a little bit... but what to do with the nausea that carbonated drinks won't resolve?

i've been a mother for over 6 years now. (men become fathers when their child is born, but women become mothers when they're pregnant.) aside from being a regular, flawed human, i do endeavour~ to the best of my ability~ to rise in the face of challenge, to return hate with love- rejection with forgiveness, spite with tolerance. we all have our breaking point and i'm sitting here RIGHT NOW trying to decide if i'm at mine... or if maybe i can push myself a little further, with God's help, to forgive this and to show my son what it is to truly let my thoughts AND my heart be captive to God. this news has potential to affect my son someday, so what example will i give him to deal with it? i could wallow in my frustration and don't get me wrong- i plan to pour another glass of cherry coke and seethe the entire duration of drinking it. but i'm going to pray right now that when the glass is empty, so is my anger. maybe it won't be that swift, but i'm acknowledging right now that i can't control what others do, but i can choose my reaction. i can choose who i am. i can choose who my son's mother is... may God strengthen you through all that you have to face today, and every other day.

love, me xx






andy oldenburg

imperfect is the new perfect

Sunday, January 10, 2010

kind of like this song, minus the token, unnecessary swear word.

"i don't wanna look like you because
you're too perfect
you're too perfect.
and I don't wanna fill your shoes cause
its not worth it
its not worth it
don't fit the mold, i am real
too colorful to conceal.
imperfect is the new perfect
imperfect is the new perfect"



apparently she and Zac Levi are dating. according to the most recent Relevant Magazine, he's a committed Christian, which is pretty cool, though his girlfriend seems to make no claims to the faith... gotta go buy a copy so i can see the Royal Tailor ad complete with photos by excellent hug-giver and photographer, Kyle Weber. Relevant once posted an article by a friend, so i feel like i should support it anyway.


looking forward to Chuck! was worried it had been canceled with all of my other fav shows. and Levi is one of my celebrity nerd crushes, so that would've been a pity. knowing he's a Christian makes him even hotter! hahaha... i'm going to start praying for him. can't be an easy business to take any sort of moral stand in, and hollywood is always ready to feed on failure. and of course, the higher the stance you take, the bigger the potential fall. i'd like to see someone getting attention for NOT being a total showbiz trainwreck. wouldn't that be refreshing...






God

relationship status thought of the day

Thursday, January 07, 2010


Reposting a facebook note - 5 October, 2009

Someone asked me why I don’t put on Facebook that I’m single. And while I in no way think this applies to all people who put single and, therefore, mean no offense and hope you don’t feel the need to change your status if you have ‘Single’, I just felt (especially after the last time I had to change it from ‘In a Relationship’) that it was some sort of advertisement. Like, “Look at me! I’m back on the market! I’m single- I’m available now…” And here’s the thing: while ‘Single’ would be the more accurate status than ‘In a Relationship’ or ‘Married’- I don’t think I necessarily AM available.

I’ve been in love twice and while I definitely left those relationships with some good lessons-learned experiences and don’t regret them, I’m just not sure how many times one heart is supposed to be that open… especially when that openness needs to be relinquished at some point. And while I’m not the kind of person who thinks you absolutely need to know for sure you’re going to marry someone before you even start dating them, it would be ideal if the next guy I invested my emotions in was the last. This doesn’t mean that if I date someone in future and find he is not the one that I will either

a.) hate myself and resign to living out my days in a convent or

b.) decide I’ve had my three strikes and am forced to marry him anyway!

Lol… It’s just that your heart is precious. And while you shouldn’t guard it to the point of fear or denying it to those who are deserving, I do encourage you to be wisely cautious with it. It’s the only one you have and you deserve to have the kind of freedom in your ‘last’ relationship that comes from saving it somewhat. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t love or put yourself out there or avoid heartbreak at all cost. In fact, my heartbreaks have been some of the (ultimately) best experiences cuz I learned how to let God renew me and I learned what it was that I truly want and deserve from this ‘last guy.’ My point is, I’m not ‘Single’ because I’m not so much dating as waiting. And the only person I will be truly available for is Mr. Last Guy. (Haha… I’m going to start using that name now:)

So, DO love, DON’T hate yourself for mistakes, DO let pains become lessons and contribute to the awesome character that you’re building, DO give God a part of your heart that is exclusively His to guard no matter what, and DO realize that your love is a gift and it’s worth being saved for someone who is worthy.

And in terms of friends and family, you can never love too many so DO know that you are truly loved by me. Have a good night! xx


Alice in Wonderland

having tea with mr. carroll

Sunday, January 03, 2010

Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
The Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.
Alice: I don't much care where.
The Cat: Then it doesn't much matter which way you go.
Alice: …so long as I get somewhere.
The Cat: Oh, you're sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.
I've always thought about how applicable this little conversation is for life. You don't know where you want to go, but you plod along the path anyway expecting that where you end up is going to, by some haphazard fortune, be some place you actually want to be. Wouldn't that be lucky... and unlikely. If you don't know where you're going, should you proceed? The further you go in the wrong direction, the longer it will take to get back on track. If you don't care where you're going, you're sure to end up somewhere, but where? Intention. I want to lead an intentional life, with God-ordained steps. Sure, some surprises along the way would be welcome, and mistakes occasionally excused, but I want my efforts to be, in general, contributory to the overall picture of my life and God's plan for it...



I'm pretty sure that's precisely what Lewis Carroll, (real name: Charles Lutwidge Dodgson), was intending when he wrote it, which is why he's one of those people with whom I would love to have a conversation. "So, Mr. Dodgson, let's discuss the social connotations of the jabberwocky..."

On a lighter note, isn't Alice in Wonderland great?

I love it because I love fairytales...



...and tophats...



...and the other quirky fashion it has inspired...


...like crazy, blue dresses that are a far cry from the prim, little Alice original, not that I don't appreciate her old school style...



...and tea parties (soooo want to have an Alice party sometime)...



...and general eclectic whimsy...



Sigh... I've never watched the Disney cartoon all the way through, but I might some day.
Mientras, I'm looking forward to this one, mainly cuz I know that Johnny Depp rocks every role that he takes on.



Also, LuvvvD the story about these two in Syfy's "Alice" from this year. Replayed that last scene a few times;)


All things Alice from etsy.com that I love:





anya marina

satellite heart

Saturday, January 02, 2010

in love with this song currently. one of those you think you could've written had you just thought of it first...: "i'm a satellite heart
lost in the dark
i'm spun out so far
you stop, i start,
but i'll be true to you..."

jose gonzales

priorities

Friday, January 01, 2010

what's important to you?
what would you miss if it weren't there tomorrow?
what would you wish you'd done with the time you have if you suddenly didn't have it anymore?

i endeavour to live my life with "reverse regret":

Step 1:
look at this moment and anticipate what regret you might derive from it in the future.

Step 2:
realise you've just, in a sense, traveled back in time and currently have the opportunity to reverse that as-of-yet unformed regret.

Step 3:
make sure you don't cause that regret.

Step 4:
proceed in freedom...

i don't always succeed in doing this. sometimes, i create real, irreversible regret. but i'm going to try to make it work more often. because right now i'm living in 2011 with regrets from 2010. i can travel back to jan 2nd, 2010 and fix them.

i will really try to get the year right 'this time'...