i went for a jog the other day. i have a bad ankle, shin splints, and an irregular heartbeat, so you can imagine that jogging, regardless of physical condition, isn't the easiest thing for me. but i still go anyway, especially when i'm particularly upset. i don't have my iPod. i lost my cute, little, green 3rd generation nano a couple months ago, so i've been using my dad's iPod touch, which, call me crazy, i just don't like as much. it had no music i wanted to listen to so i started off my jog to the Thriller album. don't ask me why the Thriller album is on my dad's iPod. pretty sure my friend who works for him put it on there. by the time i was half a mile away from my house, (and halfway through Beat It) i felt like my head was going to explode with all the thoughts and frustrations boiling together inside. i took off my earphones and chucked the iPod and my water bottle in a bush, (don't worry, i retrieved them, unharmed, later), and started shouting at no one. i grabbed my stuff and ran to an overpass, sat on the sidewalk and stared at the cars on the highway below passing under me. it was then, with idiot drivers honking at me- apparently with no purpose but to make me more mad- that i began to cry.

i'm not sure if you could call what i did next praying as much as it was crying at God and venting everything i was upset about: all the things in my life that are a disappointment, all the ways i feel we haven't got what we deserve and how hurt i am by Him that He seems to withhold things i believed He'd promised. i screamed, silently - in my head, glaring at each car that approached (especially the hilarious honk-sters). when i'd sufficiently covered everything i had to say and waited enough to realise i probably wasn't getting much of a response right then, i wiped steaming tears away from my fuming eyes and waited for my heart rate to drop. jog or no jog, i'm pretty sure i burned some calories... i took a deep breath and ran back to my house as fast as my sore shins would take me, took a shower and cried some more.

do i feel all that better now? no.
will i? yes, and probably soon.

i'd love to have some inspirational conclusion to this post, but sometimes, i think it's just somehow encouraging to know that someone else is having a bad day, too. so, if you're having a rough time, you're not alone. if you need someone to share it with, i'm a pretty trustworthy confidante. and if it crosses your mind to say a prayer for me, i'd appreciate it. and by the way, God is still my best friend, just incase anyone was worried...

lots of love, me

time to say never?

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i loved you forever
a long time ago
we lived out a lifetime
but you'll never know

i made you so happy
you learned how to grow
we had three bright children
that you'll never know

we bought a small house
planted tulips in rows
fought about my decor,
good thing you'll never know.

we spent christmas eve
at your cold island home
with your cold family
like you didn't know

you sifted through jobs
as i taught and i wrote
helped you find your true calling
now you'll never know.

we moved that one summer
and my favorite vase broke
you laughed when i cried
lucky that you don't know

your dad passed away
and you couldn't cope
but i held you each day
not that you'll ever know

our kids went to uni
and got married and so
we felt old together
but you'll never know

i had a health scare
you tried not to show
how you thought you might lose me
but you'll never know.

we sold the big house
used the money to go
all the places we'd dreamed of
not that you'll ever know.

i stroked your face daily
said, "i love you, you know"
and you smiled and nodded
but now you won't know

you left this world first
cuz you needed me most
tulips garnished your grave
though you'd never know.

i loved you forever
but you let me go
so none of this happened
and you'll never know.

my family has this weird expression when something good happens, be it mild or extraordinary: "it's better than a kick in the teeth." basically meaning it's better than nothing or better than something bad. well, yesterday i found out some news that was NOT better than a kick in the teeth. in fact, i would have much preferred the aforementioned method of assault to the emotional one i sustained, cuz surely by now, with the aid of some ice and ibuprofen, the bad feeling would be gone.

instead, i wake up this morning feeling like throwing up. if i were a drinker, (and by that i mean drinker of alcohol, as we are all drinkers of some beverage, obviously) now would be the time for a hard one. instead, i sit here with my one liquid indulgence ~ some cherry coke, complete with maraschino cherries. it's calming the nausea a little bit... but what to do with the nausea that carbonated drinks won't resolve?

i've been a mother for over 6 years now. (men become fathers when their child is born, but women become mothers when they're pregnant.) aside from being a regular, flawed human, i do endeavour~ to the best of my ability~ to rise in the face of challenge, to return hate with love- rejection with forgiveness, spite with tolerance. we all have our breaking point and i'm sitting here RIGHT NOW trying to decide if i'm at mine... or if maybe i can push myself a little further, with God's help, to forgive this and to show my son what it is to truly let my thoughts AND my heart be captive to God. this news has potential to affect my son someday, so what example will i give him to deal with it? i could wallow in my frustration and don't get me wrong- i plan to pour another glass of cherry coke and seethe the entire duration of drinking it. but i'm going to pray right now that when the glass is empty, so is my anger. maybe it won't be that swift, but i'm acknowledging right now that i can't control what others do, but i can choose my reaction. i can choose who i am. i can choose who my son's mother is... may God strengthen you through all that you have to face today, and every other day.

love, me xx