This isn’t going to be easy to write and I’m sure it won’t get read by most but I need to say it. I haven’t blogged in a while. I took a trip away from myself- a very stupid and risky thing to do. I didn’t mean to; it wasn’t planned. I just got tired one day and, for the slightest second, stopped trying. This is when I slipped and fell down the rabbit hole to a place that was so far from home, I didn’t know how to get back or how I’d arrived there. I felt disconnected from myself and God. I felt weighed down in a way, in my weakened state, I didn’t know how to emerge from. And this cycle continued until I was so weak and so far from where I wanted to be that it seemed there was no way out. I became disillusioned by my life and disappointed with God. I went through a big transition this year, one I didn’t want to go through; one I thought, until the last minute, God would deliver me from. But He let it happen and I would love to tell you that I handled it with trust and faithfulness. That I said, “Your will be done, God,” and gracefully submitted myself to His plan. But I didn’t. Instead, I was hurt and, already feeling far from Him, I continued to spiral.
I became someone I didn’t think I could be at such a rapid rate, I was really more bemused than anything else. It was like I was watching my life not living it and I couldn’t seem to stop anything. I’d cry and tell God I was sorry but that I didn’t have the strength to pick myself up. Despite knowing this couldn’t be true because it’s not who He is, I felt like He didn’t want to help me… that He was disgusted with me the way I was disgusted with myself. So we co-existed for a while in silence and I started to resent that He wasn’t rescuing me but I didn’t give Him the chance. I couldn’t listen to worship music because the emotion it evokes was too much to handle. I prayed for safety for my family and my child, for blessings for others but nothing for myself. I felt like no words could suffice and despite being mad at Him, what I really felt was undeserving. I haven’t blogged because I haven’t even had coherent thoughts to express myself. I felt time wasting away and when I looked in the mirror all I saw was exhaustion staring back.
Then one day, I started reading through this blog and the posts I wrote last year when I was in a much better place spiritually and emotionally and thought, What happened? Where did this go wrong and why am I choosing to stay in this darkness when I could be in the light again? I took a shower and sat on the floor crying and praying, “This year is almost over and I’ve wasted so much of it being confused, hurt and distant. God, please… no more. Take me back, I want You more than I want anything else. Restore me and redeem what’s been lost.”
The enemy will try to convince you that you’re alone, that there’s no way out, that it’s too late, you’ve gone too far, that God’s too far, that your shame and guilt is too great. Lies. Such destructive, hurtful lies. When I took a second to stop being mad at God, I realised He’d been with me the whole time waiting on me, protecting me from myself and forgiving me before I’d forgiven myself just waiting for me to allow Him to give me back the things I thought I’d lost. As I was plundering down this path casting valuable parts of myself aside, He was picking them up and keeping them for me for when I wanted them back. I thought those parts were lost, but He restores. My God restores.
If I’ve learned one thing- and I’ve learned more than just one thing- it’s that none of us has any right to be prideful in our strength because it’s only by grace we ever have it anyway. I am so much weaker when I stop drawing from Him than I ever thought I could be. And He knew that all along and loved me anyway. Loved me before, knowing how I’d fail; loved me through, even as I pushed Him away; and loved me after, as though nothing had changed. And now, as Sanctus Real says, "Here in your arms, I know what I am: I’m forgiven. And I don’t have to carry the weight of who I’ve been cuz I’m forgiven."
If you’re feeling lost from yourself, take heart. You’re not alone and redemption is not as hopeless as it seems. Take that first step towards forgiveness and you’ll find you can still be all you were… and more. Hold on to what's being held out: The healing hand of God.
If you’re feeling lost from yourself, take heart. You’re not alone and redemption is not as hopeless as it seems. Take that first step towards forgiveness and you’ll find you can still be all you were… and more. Hold on to what's being held out: The healing hand of God.
