Let me start by saying I've never even seen the show this post is named after. I'm not going to, have no idea what it's about, don't want to. Leave me alone cult followers- I waste enough time on silly TV.
Let me say secondly that it's somewhat of a miracle that I'm even writing this right now. I have had two weeks quite literally from hell. It started with sudden and unprovoked hearing loss in one ear that led to medical treatments to preserve the nerves in my ear. These treatments made me so sick I could hardly function, but the doctor basically said to me as I sat in a pathetic state one day, "Do you want to hear out of this ear or stop the treatments?" So I continued like a miserable sop in zombie-mode for a week. I finished the IV treatments and was supposed to come off the medication gradually through pills but I soon noticed I could hardly see. My eyesight is terrible anyway, but even with glasses, I noticed most things beyond a couple feet away were a total blur. The doctor took me off the medication right away. There were too many side-effects: tachycardia, nausea, dizziness, headaches, weakness, fatigue, and now blurred vision. Two days after being off the medication, I was getting worse. I've hardly been able to stomach most foods the past two weeks but yesterday, I was throwing up, unable to see the face of someone who came to the front door when I was alone in the house, and, for some bizarre reason, my whole body felt beat up. Not achy. Literally beat up, as though I'd actually been punched in the arm, ribs, neck. We called another doctor and my blood pressure's a little low, my heart's a little fast, and all of this is above and beyond a normal reaction to this medication.
I had a terrible night's sleep last night. I had nightmares that my blood was burning only to wake up writhing in pain up and down my arms and through my veins. No position was comfortable and after the past 10 days, I'm completely exhausted. I came downstairs and my mom put her hand on me to pray and I cried in pain. A simple touch on my skin was more than I could handle. I felt like I was falling apart.
I feel like this summer has been extremely difficult. The spring wasn't easy either... In fact, the past two years have been a little rough. And the few years before that, and... now that I think about it, stuff just seems to get a little worse and worse with time. Don't get me wrong, I'm immensely blessed and my problems pale in comparison to others'. But I often live thinking, "It could always be worse," and sometimes, it's just plain fair to say, "Yea, but it could be better." There has always been one thing or another that makes me physically and emotionally tired in life and as I sink to new levels of fatigue and exhaustion that seem to persist, I notice myself accepting these as new normals, until I can't remember what it felt like to feel better. But as I approach 30, I think, "There can't be too many more levels to sink to or I'm gonna miss my life by simply being tired." No lectures on health regimes or exercise or going to doctors, please, I've tried it all. Don't insult me. I go through seasons of trying to find a new solution, followed by a frustrated season of giving myself a break from the disappointments. I don't know what else to do.
I think what's most disappointing is when I see myself not being... myself. I'm strong. I'm determined. I'm kick-butt, for goodness' sake! And I sat this morning whimpering in pain saying, "God, I just can't. I'm so tired, I don't know how to pray or what to do. Please just help me, I'm a mess." I don't like being a mess. I can handle being tired and sick and disappointed but I don't like feeling out of control. I don't like not being able to rally. But I feel broken down and though I know the enemy has to be getting pleasure out of my breakdown, I just haven't known how to overcome. My rallying resources are simply depleted, which, as a mother, I have a hard time forgiving in myself. But is it okay after 15 years of one consecutive struggle after another to just be a bit messy?
And as I sat thinking how not myself I felt this morning, I imagined that the enemy was happy. Whatever I've always felt destined to accomplish is surely being put off as I stumble through a haze of small struggles that add up. I'm not living in victory and strength. Broken times will happen, but there's got to be a way to break into God's strength and to use the situation for His glory and my benefit, no matter how completely spent I feel... maybe even all the more because of how absolutely spent I feel.
So, I rounded up some prayer, I read Psalms 91, that claims God is my refuge, then Romans 8, which says the Spirit prays for you when you don't know how. I've been listening to joyfmonline.org and every song and message today has felt like a love song to me from God.
Then they read out this passage:
2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (The Message)
"Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,
My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size- abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."
And I sat and thought, I hardly have the strength to pray anything, but if all I can say is one thing, it's that your grace is enough. Breakdowns along the way will happen in life but you can either break bad(ly) - sorry, can't make the grammatical error even for the sake of a pun - or break well. You can break into God, be weak in His strength and be GLAD for the gift. I can still hardly see across the room, I still feel weak and drained, my head is a little spinny right now, and a shower is going to be an accomplishment today. I'm a little broken, maybe a lot so, and this blog and these realisations are not the conclusion to this struggle. But I plan to let Christ take over, so the weaker I get, the stronger I become and to always be able to have enough strength to proclaim His grace is enough. That's all.
