Something hurt me yesterday. I saw something and it stung. I've been trying to heal from something recently and this made me feel as though no time had passed at all; like I was stuck, breathless and trapped in the pain with nowhere to turn. As though maybe I always would be. Audrey Assad's album Fortunate Fall has really been ministering to me this week and in the song Good to Me, this one line says, "When I'm bowed down with sorrow, I will lift up your name." And that has been my 'mantra' the past month: no matter what, just praise, just lift up your head to the Lord and focus on Him. When you're hurt and confused and too much of the wrong thing is flooding in around you, just fill every available space with what you know- in your head- to be right. Pray when it hurts, listen to worship music when you can't deal with silence. It won't necessarily work right away, but it'll keep you moving in the right direction at a time when it's far too easy to slide into the wrong direction. It's like exercise; it will hurt at first, but eventually you'll realise you're fitter. But if you spend that same time not exercising, you'll just get more out of shape and farther from where you want to be. I quoted in my senior yearbook the song, "You're my glory and the lifter of my head." Whenever we sang that in church growing up, I imagined kneeling down with my head bowed in sorrow, as Audrey sings, and God gently bending down towards me, placing His finger under my chin and tenderly tilting it towards Him as though to say, "Here I am, child, look at me." 

It never ceases to amaze me how God comes through. I'm not sure if that's good or not. I mean, He always proves himself, when am I gonna stop being shocked? I think what gets me is when He's there for me in subtle ways, in ways He doesn't need to be. He created me, loves me, provides for me- does He have to care about the little things? No. And yet, He does. His eye is on the sparrow, how much more is it on me? I'm supposed to be His servant, and yet He serves me. 

There's a verse that says, "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." (James 4:8a) And there was a time when I thought that verse was backwards. Why should I draw near to You first? Sometimes I need You to come to me. But I was convicted by the realisation that that verse should really say, "Draw near to Him and you'll find, He was right beside you the whole time." Because God has made ALL the first moves. Please don't forget that. He made us, He loves us, He provides for us, He sent his son to die for us, and then He even granted us free will so that loving Him back would be our choice. He's already near, you just need to lift your head and see it; see past the mess that you're putting in His way. 

I saw this photo on pinterest recently that said, "Head up, princess, your tiara is falling," and it made me smile. When I was pregnant and feeling shameful walking back into my home church for the first time, with a 6-month belly leading the way in, one of the first worship songs sung that day said, "I'll trade these ashes in for beauty and wear forgiveness like a crown." And I felt God in that moment bend down, tilt my head towards Him and say, "You can't wear a crown with your head bowed in shame." It was such a little moment, fleeting almost in its fragility. And yet, He spoke to me, subtly, in a time when I truly needed something gentle and reassuring to quietly pierce through the chaos, guilt, and anguish. He's my glory and the lifter of my head. He's God and yet He's there for me. Wow... It's crazy how some things come full circle; how God teaches us the same lessons over and over at different points in our lives to reinforce their truth. God has given me a crown. I'm a daughter of the King; a princess. So, head up, princess.

So, as I drove home from work yesterday, I flooded myself with worship music once more just to fill the space with as much of the right thing as I could. And I talked to Him saying, "God, it just hurts. It hurts too much, I can't not see it, I don't know what to do." And I just felt Him say, "Then don't look at it, look at me. Lift your eyes up to the mountains where your help comes from. I'm right here. I love you and what you lost is not as good as what you have in me. You still have me, just keep looking at me." Because when you look down, you see the problem and the mess. It's all in your face and it's all you can see, the negativity, the wrong stuff. It narrows your scope. But God gives us the chance to be lifted out of it, to give the burden to Him to carry so we can just gaze upon His glory. Amazing... So I cried the whole way home focused on the beautiful sunshine framing the clouds on that blessedly Spring-ish day placing the image of His love in front of the painful one. And the Maker of all things ministered to me and reminded me of His love for me all night. You're just too good to me, God. You're my glory. You're the lifter of my head. You are good to me.

Joel 2:25, "I will give you back what is lost/ I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten..."

Psalm 34:18, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."