Today is the one-year anniversary of the move my son and I made to a brand new home last year. I'm happy to say that since we got here, my son has grown in confidence, friendships, and his education. My quirky, little social butterfly never fails to make fast friends. And while he has missed our previous home, he has come into his own here in a way I am infinitely grateful for.

It hasn't been so easy for me. I call myself a 'reformed introvert.' My natural instinct is to pull into myself. But I'm a missionary kid and we were constantly thrown out of our comfort zones, if we even truly had any. I hate those Facebook articles, "10 Things You Need to Know About Dating an Introvert." Introversion isn't a handicap and people don't need to cater to you. What is with this generation's obsession with being labeled and coddled? Be a grown up! Be a functioning member of society, for goodness' sake... I know how to be a grown up societal member. And I know how to overcome my instincts that aren't healthy for me. I've learned to override anxiety and be adaptable. I'm no wilderness warrior, but if you dropped me in the middle of any concrete jungle where I knew no one and didn't speak the language, I'd survive. You'd maybe even find me at some corner cafe laughing with a local as we tried to communicate with hand gestures. God has pushed me to live beyond myself and use those introspective instincts I have to be empathetic; to look up instead of inward and see myself and my struggles in someone else's eyes. It's relieving to find the familiar in foreign faces. If you always focus on how different you are, you'll fail to see the common threads between us all. There's a solidarity and a spiritual unity in all God created. Don't be coddled into missing out on that.

Where I live now is hardly a jungle. Despite the huge dichotomy of wealth and poverty that abounds, it's fair to say this is a land of privilege and convenience. I speak the language and I've got my google maps to help me out when I get lost. I've been to harder places. Sunshine and 24 hour drive-thrus? Please, this is cake.... But if I'm being honest, I've had one of the most difficult and most crushingly lonely years of my entire life.

This time last year, I was getting off a plane with a 10-year-old in tow and a bleeding ulcer in my stomach. It was a fight to get here. It has been a fight to stay here. But I felt pretty directed that God was leading us here so we came in faithfulness. There are a lot of ideas promulgated in church communities that are not only false but damaging. Such as, if you're in the will of the Lord, you get all you need. God provides and He reserves his special blessings for those being the best, little Christians. He protects you from hardship and enemy attacks. The flip-side of that is that if you're struggling, you must be doing something wrong. God provides, so if He hasn't, you've messed something up. Now, sometimes struggle is God's correction trying to push you into something else. But where in the Bible does it say we get an easy ride on the right path? Let's ask the disciples. No wait, we can't, they all died terrible deaths after lives of persecution. Pretty sure it says, "...In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33b) So we're actually guaranteed trouble? Cuz that's life? Hmm... Also, no one earns blessings any better than anyone else. God's grace is free but undeserved by all, even the 'best' Christians. But there's still a stigma with struggle. Is it your fault? Were you irresponsible? Did you pray enough? Did you not really hear from God? What did you do wrong? I think life is never guaranteed to be easy, but I also think that often what's right is most difficult. Sometimes when everything is going wrong, you're actually doing something right that you have to battle your way through in order to develop the strength and have the experiences and times with God you need to have. And if you quit when things get hard, you forfeit reaping the best results in life. Someone once told me, if you're in the midst of an uphill battle, God is bringing you to higher ground. If that's true, then moving here was all kinds of right. Cuz it has been nothing but uphill.

I'm a mother so I'm allowed to bend but not break. I'm not allowed to fall apart. I won't put burdens on my son he's not equipped to handle. I won't let him feel insecurity in me. He needs to know I am his safe place and he can count on me. So never before have I felt the lack of a partner more than this year, someone who could shoulder the burdens with me. Never before has there been such a man-shaped hole in our home as I raise the product of two people becoming one on my own. And that's hard for me to admit. I'm an independent 'woman of the 90s,' dang it! (That phrase meant something good when I was a kid. I don't know anymore what women of 2015 stand for or if I'm always on board with it, so, yea, I'm still a woman of the 90s.) Girl power and all that jazz... Cuz there's also a stigma with admitting you'd like a man. C'mon, girl, have some pride! You don't need a man to complete you! No, I don't. But is there anything wrong with craving the intimacy of a godly relationship? The Lord placed a desire within us for unity and marriage is the closest earthly glimpse we get of the commitment and oneness God wants to have with us. Am I pathetic for wanting that, imperfections and all? Do I need to surrender my girl card or can we just stop making everyone feel like they need to be fully complete on their own in order to be deemed strong and successful? Can we stop promoting unrealistic standards of resilience and fulfillment that make us all feel like quiet failures? No one is actually complete on their own; we weren't made to be. We were made to have community. We were made to contribute into others' lives and the collective world. We were made to be there for each other. Struggle is not only okay, it is guaranteed, it is human. It is sometimes necessary for us to reach out, to reach back, and to realise life is better shared. Fuller shared. More complete ...when shared.

This year has brought me to my knees. As that old Jaci Velasquez song says, "I've learned in laughter or in pain, how to survive: I get on my knees." I think I recently prayed more in one week than I have in some past years. Maybe that confession doesn't make me look good, but we're in the spirit of honesty here, people, check the title. Lol... So, struggle brought me to the feet of the Lord. Struggle has brought me to a place of complete submission in utter need. It has broken me down, chipped away at me in a refining way that sometimes just felt like loss. Felt too far, God. Too far... But I do believe it has brought me to where I need to be, including a place where this independent woman is not afraid to admit I'm not always okay or that I need help. (Like tonight when I was stranded pushing a sofa up 14 steps by myself. My neighbour guys jumped in and did it for me. And I gratefully let them, God bless them! Please don't try to push a sofa up a flight of stairs by yourself- you can't do it.) There is strength in that kind of honesty and there should be no stigma or failure in being lonely, being weak, being in need. There should be unity, solidarity, and empathy.

Today my car wouldn't start. My son needed to get to school and we were stuck in our complex's garage. I could've stressed, but something this year has taught me repeatedly is to BE STILL. This smartphone-fueled society grapples with this notion of simply being still; emptying yourself of all the clutter and leaving room for the right things, the quiet things, to fill you. Be still and know that I am God. The Bible says again and again to not be anxious or fearful. I believe it is actually the most repeated command, but seems to be the least followed as though that much repetition in scripture doesn't mean something. I called our building manager but he's out of town at his father's funeral. So his day was worse than mine. Perspective. Then it dawned on me... Oh yea, I purchased a year's worth of roadside assistance almost a year ago. I haven't needed to use it and kind of forgot. My brain has been a little full recently, forgive me. So I called and waited patiently for the man to arrive. (Turns out, sometimes we do need a man, as long as he's armed with a battery charger. Sorry, ladies...) My son hardly minded missing school so we just took a breath and relaxed realising there was nothing more to be done. When the guy arrived he was a friendly and chatty single father and as he charged my battery, we traded single parenthood war stories. Then, in the most innocent way possible, he gave me his number, told me to let him know how my car was doing later and asked me to promise him that I would stay in touch with him and be honest to let him know if I ever needed help. I started to cry and he hugged me and I thought, my car not starting today was necessary. I bought the dang thing a year ago, it shouldn't be having issues. I should've had a struggle-free morning of driving my son to school on time in an easy, 10-minute commute. Instead, my day was interrupted and delayed. I had to problem solve at 7 a.m. and I'm not a morning person. And I didn't have anyone to call to help me. My closest friend here was already at work half an hour away and if I hadn't bought that assistance which has, until today, been completely unnecessary, I would've been alone and stuck. But I realised that in having my car not work today, I ended up being a little less alone than I would've been had everything gone smoothly. It was right that something went wrong. I was in the right place. And being here... This move... We have been in the right place this year.

This uphill battle has brought me to higher ground. I have a new perspective. It's not easy and it probably won't ever truly be- that's life. I won't say that everything has been tied into some inspirational bow and I feel settled and empowered by all this or anything. I won't even say this experience has made me stronger. In fact, I think in some ways, it has made me weaker but that's okay. I have been allowed to be weak, I have been allowed to be sad or disappointed and decide that my peace and my hope are rooted in something bigger than those feelings, something beyond me- my unity with Christ. My prayer for this next year is that I get more invested in a community here and that I continue to learn to take struggles as they come, not being ashamed of them or ashamed of myself for having them.

Struggle is real, it's okay, and sometimes, it's even necessary. If you're struggling, please let me know. Prayers, like everything else, are better shared.