"I'm gonna make Santa a present because I don't think anyone's 

ever been generous enough to give him a gift!" -my son

I love you, bunny! 

I'm proud of you and pray that this year is your best one so far full of lots of love, laughter, discovery, and joy. Can't imagine a life without you in it.

Bonne Anniversaire, mon coeur!


You were born to make this right, you were born to change this life, you were born to chase the light.

the title of my last post was 'i was waiting for so long for a miracle to come.' that's a quote from the song i posted at the bottom which always reminds me of my son. but the reason i picked out that particular line was that my son came as a very special miracle to me. see, in high school i had a heart condition called Neurocardiogenic Syncope. my heart would accelerate and my blood pressure would drop suddenly without any warning. i'd be totally fine and the next second, i'd be having a panic attack or my body would shut down and i would feel trapped inside. or, in the worst cases, i would just pass out. i was walking from my room one day and the next thing i knew, i was waking up on the floor three strides away from the staircase. if i'd passed out three seconds later, i would have tumbled -unconscious- down the stairs. i missed most of the last six months of my senior year because of this sickness and as doctors scrambled to figure out what exactly was wrong with me, at 17 i faced the reality that i might have a fatal problem.

i was told to not even try for kids until at least my mid-twenties when my adolescent hormones had balanced out which may or may not have helped the condition. they had no way of telling if i would be one of the people who grew out of it or if i would always have it. i was assured that having children was not only dangerous for obvious reasons- like i could pass out while pregnant or if i were alone in the house with a baby, maybe even while holding it- but also because i was told that my heart could probably not take a pregnancy, let alone labour. for someone who's always loved children, this was a devastating thought.

i got pregnant at 19, which was obviously not planned. i was in architecture school, i lived half the planet away from my then-boyfriend and being a mother was not in my plans right then, if at all given my health. but of course the minute i felt life inside of me- and i did feel it, even before i knew for sure i was pregnant- my priorities changed and all i wanted was to protect and cherish that life. it was a stressful and traumatic pregnancy both physically and emotionally. i had such bad morning sickness, my son and i were literally starving to death because i couldn't keep food down. i was also forced to defend to some people my decision not to abort my child to an exhausting degree (NOT my family members, in case you were wondering. they were nothing but supportive.) i had all the signs of early labour as well- dilating months before my due date and having contractions that kept me in bed for whole days at a time. once again, i was faced with the possibility of death. the enemy plagued my thoughts. i had such strong, instinctual love for the child inside of me and a voice in my head told me i would never get to see him. i wrote a journal throughout my pregnancy mainly because i worried it would be the only thing he'd have as proof of my love, and spent much of my second trimester drafting and notarizing legal documents for the eventuality of death.

i had stayed on my heart medication during most of the pregnancy because the doctor said the damage to the baby would be worse if i passed out than the possible effects of the medication. however, i had to come off of them before labour in case i needed drugs in delivery that couldn't mix with my meds. like the rest of the pregnancy, delivery was stressful and traumatic, not to mention drug-free. in the minutes immediately proceeding, i went into shock and i lay there, once again trapped inside my own body, thinking my fears had come true and praying that God wouldn't let my son grow up without me. i came through and actually got to see my beautiful baby. examining his perfect fingers and toes, i already thought he was such a miracle.


however, six months later, i had my cardiac check up to determine what the plan was for re-starting my medication. but the doctor said i had the heart of an athlete and medication was not necessary. all the doctors who had told me that pregnancy hormones would either not affect my condition at all or simply make it worse were suddenly stuttering that the pregnancy must have helped my heart. i just sat back and smiled knowing that some things can't be explained medically. i still have an irregular heartbeat- though let's admit it: regularity doesn't really go with me anyway- but there is no trace of my former condition now. my son was and is my miracle. he was my gift from God even when i wasn't worthy- not because of who i am, but because of who He is. i was surprised by my pregnancy but God was not and my healing and subsequent motherhood to this amazing child was God's way of telling me that He had always had a better life for me in mind than the one i expected to have when i was younger.

this time 6 years ago, i thought i was in some pretty bad pain. the pain that came a few hours later laughed in the face of this pain. it was the kind of pain that you can't breathe through but manage to live through anyway. it was the kind of pain that transcends time. you start to lose your mind a little as you realise you can't even imagine what life will be like on the other side.

i had no idea what life would be like on the other side...photo courtesy of Katy Miller



...i was waiting for you.

My first post on this blog was on January 1st this year and it was a bunch of resolutions; ones I wasn't going to make if I wasn't going to keep them. One was 'to preserve my son's childhood with a sense of adventure and tomfoolery.' Adventure for me as a child was always found in books. Unlike TV (not that I don't like TV:), your imagination did all the work and there were no boundaries. You could imagine anything; anything was possible. So, my son and I have been going through some classic books and bringing them to life in our own ways.

For Alice and Wonderland, I got tophats and we decorated them so we could be madhatters. For my photography class last semester, I took some pictures of him in his madhatter state at a recreated hatter tea party in our backyard. He's a great model, don't you think?:) These are scanned from film prints so they look a little different, but you can still see how adorable he is... You might be lucky enough to see me as a madhatter in a future post;)>

Yesterday: