Some girl will make you smile the smiles I long to see,
She will make you feel the things I wanted for me,
And I will sit and watch you be happy-
Just like I've always wanted you to be,
But not with me,
Not with me.

You can't be selfish when the love is true,
And mine has always been nothing but pure for you,
So I'll look from my detached point of view
As you embark upon something new
Without me,
Without me.

I can't think of you anymore than I can look into the sun,
I can't let you in without my strength being undone,
Can't be further from you than I am from my next breath,
Can't live without you but unity would be death
Of me,
Of will,
Of certainty.


Your eyes beg me to believe what your words won't prove,
You push me away but I can't seem to move
Under the weight of your reality where I love to be
But cannot stay when the facts are fantasy-
You, me,
"Meant to be,"
Unlikely destiny.
Can't tell you how I feel but you already know,
You give me nothing to hold, but you hope I won't let go,
I deserve better, though you're too good for me,
This could never work but it's the only way I see
For us,
For life,
For happiness.
Don't want you here but please don't ever leave,
I'll hold my ground when I want to concede,
It's like standing in the presence of my destiny
But I can't cede hard-earned security
For maybe,
For maybe not,
For possibility.

"golden rings around your head never show.
we don't seem like ourselves anymore.
never really takes a lot to lose you.

made a wish upon a falling star, wished I was who you
wished I was.

never really takes a lot to lose you.
I don't have to say a lot to lose you.
you don't have to leave a light on.
even though I'm coming home, you should start without
me."

(say a lot, buddy♬)

this is how i feel today:


and here is a totally unrelated song. enjoy:)

(sorry it's a twilight video. i couldn't find a better one. not that i don't like twilight~ she said sheepishly as a full-grown adult woman~ ha! it just has nothing to do with XTC...)

so, for anyone who actually reads this, that whole opportunity thing i talked about in the 'this just in...' post- i'm over it. you may not know me personally, but i'm kinda awesome... and worthy and deserving of more than what i've received in this situation. i thought i wanted something but now i realise, i shouldn't want it because having it would be settling. i forgot that for a little while... i forgot who i am because i've had a rough year or so and sometimes, it's easy to just see all that is lacking in my life and character. it's easy to highlight flaws, because they seem the most likely reason for things not being the way i want them to be. i'm good at blaming myself. but i would like to be good at being proud of myself for things that merit pride.



so, incase we haven't met, here's me:

i'm fairly creative and good at making things. you might call me crafty or artsy or just plain handy cuz i do have a tool box, a screwdriver set, and a drill with a variety of drill bits and i use them all to take care of the house that i live in as the only adult with my son.

i'm a single mother of an extremely energetic child and i manage to show him love while keeping up the house and getting my homework done- did i mention i'm a senior at university? i'm a political science major and art minor, because i like everything. i'm a nerd. nerds are cool, you know it's true. i used to be an architecture major because i love science, math, and art. having my child made architecture a lil' impossible, though i'm ok with that.

i'm driven, ambitious and, quite frankly, i'm smart. i'm not conceited, i'm just being honest. i'm an extremely honest person...i'm also an extremely sarcastic person, so watch out for that.

i write, i play a few instruments- not expertly, but i'm teaching myself in a couple of them and practice time is limited in my life- i like to dance- though i'm a silly dancer- and music is pretty much as common in my life as eating.

i like to eat. i also genuinely like to exercise. handy little combination, there.

i'm european and have traveled quite a lot. i'm fairly cultured, aware and i speak a few languages and can find my way around even the most foreign of places. i currently live an ocean away from my family and i've survived.

i love God. i'm not perfect in my relationship with Him, but that's kind of the point, right? i'm involved with my church and passionate about the prayer ministry i head. i love working with youths. they're the future and they need to know how special they are at the time when they feel least special. if i can have any impact on a youth in their teen years, i feel like i've achieved something truly important.

all this to say, i'm a pretty decent human being. i've been through a lot and, by God's grace, i think i've handled my life fairly well. i deserve the best and i should act like it. so, to the situation that i feared i'd lost, i posit the loss is yours. and that if i can't have it, it's something i didn't need and God has something else for me that i will be faithful to wait upon.

i need to feel better, like, now.

"November" by Gemma Hayes pretty much sums it up if you replace 'November' with 'the last part of January and February.'

mmm... need a hug. also, need this paper to write itself and for my midterm material to plant itself in my head. why, oh why do things never work that way??

so, have you ever felt ambiguous about a situation until something happens that basically robs you of the choice? i've been confused about something; how i felt about something. did i want it? did i not? what was best? what should i do? what shouldn't i do? how much more should i pray about it? blabbidy-blablablah... and now, i think it's no longer even a possibility. and knowing that has cleared the ambiguity: i want it. and not cuz i'm the kind of person who wants what i can't have, cuz i am quite the opposite kind of person. it's more like i wanted it all along but was inhibited by my overly-analytical side. (and in case you're wondering, this has nothing to do with the previous posts. this is fresh crappiness!:)

time to say never?

how bittersweet the dreams undreamt,
the words unsaid,
the nights unspent

the feelings our hearts seem to share
the looks that turn to silent stares
are frozen by the light of day
and the truth that things can't be this way.

i see your secret smile
and wonder if in a while
it will release the light it traps behind your eyes-
the same light i try so hard to disguise.

your embrace, it feels like home
as the scent of your cologne fills up my head

reluctantly you walk away
sighing all you didn't say
as i'm left in a cloud of you...
and doubts that this is true.

I'm tangled up in you

don't tie me down just now,

my heart should not yet settle
but looking into auburn eyes
can't help but feel there's nothing better

can't tell you those three words
or i'll drown within their depth
but my heart still holds their truth
it's like gasping for each breath

keep your distance now
though my heart breaks for each mile
hide your face from me
though my soul aches for your smile


i'm scared of loving you
i am scared that i already do
i'm scared of loving you-
of loving you the way that i do

so, keep your distance now
though my heart breaks for each mile
hide your face from me
though my soul aches for your smile

don't tie me down just now,
my heart should not yet settle
but looking into auburn eyes
can't help but feel there's nothing better...