in good times and bad,

i will praise You,

when happy or sad,

You're the one who

provides my every need

and reminds me to believe

You're in control, 

and there's no impossible.

my son has gotten out of sleep routine the past couple weeks over the holiday break. we stayed up watching Christmas movies in bed and had activities so he got to stay up late (partially so mom could sleep in!). with school starting tomorrow, it was important he go to sleep so i stayed with him tonight as he drifted off. i often test if he's asleep by whispering really quietly, "i love you." because, if he's even partially awake, he'll whisper back, "i love you, too." we also like to play the 'i love you, i love you more, no i love you more, no i love you most' game. so tonight, fairly certain he was asleep, i kissed him and barely uttered, "i love you." to which a tiny voice responded, "i love you, too"...and then a few seconds later, unprompted and after a sleepy little sigh, he continued, "i love you most."

one of those moments that makes every other moment in life totally worth it.

and, for the record, baby: no, i love you most.

I got a little too busy this past year and too in office-home routine. 

I need more breaks and to check in with friends more.

I seem to have fallen out with my boyfriend recently,
and it's totally my fault. 

I'm gonna fix it.

This seems like it'd be no challenge for me since I often enjoy books more than people but this year I seemed to start books over and over without finishing them and then life got busy. 

So, on top of the two books a month I will read with my son, I will also read two books for myself; 

ideally one novel, one spiritual/parenting/applicable, etc.

Finish the painting you started IN THE SUMMER!
Plus do at least two more that you've already thought out.

Two previous resolutions:

I wrote this last year and didn't do a very good job of it.
It's too important not to.

Happy 2013! May it be your best year yet!

We're still a little under the weather from this virus that has been kicking everyone in the vicinity's butt. But even if we weren't, I would still be spending this new year's eve night with the love of my life: 

My little bunny.

Not sure this year was everything it should've been but it has been a lesson in human flaws. God made us imperfect. He made us to need and it would be a lonely world if we tried to stand on our own so maybe it's good that we just can't. A few conversations I've had recently have come around to this: Yes, God expects obedience of us and yes, he expects us to do our best. But when we don't, when we have moments of being the humans He made us and we fall short, do we destroy His plan for us? Do we get a secondary plan, the runner-up plan? Is His perfect plan only for those who obey Him perfectly? Because that sounds perfectly impossible... not to mention cruel, which God is not. So, maybe, since God transcends time and knows when we're going to screw up before we do, perhaps... just perhaps, He not only uses our mistakes; maybe He factors them into the plan. I can't imagine God having had a more perfect plan for me than to have my son, but it took sin to get there. He knew I would fall and He didn't want me to lose out on what He had for me because of my lapse in judgement. So He used it to bless me and show me how much He loves me. And, as He always does, He made things better when they seemed worse. An old Stacie Orrico song says, "Will my weakness for an hour make me suffer for a lifetime?" And as a friend asked me that same question recently, I've decided the answer is a definite 'no'. Not that we should take advantage of that and just go around making mistakes willy-nilly. (Where does 'willy-nilly' even come from, btw??) But, when we're trying and we have a lapse, maybe, beyond the more obvious concept of redemption, we're still in the perfect plan. Maybe God's just waiting for us to give it to Him so He can help pick us up and use that lesson for something necessary. Maybe what we view as deviation is needed to actually be on track. I think His grace is bigger than we could ever imagine. And I also think we like to kick ourselves a lot more than He would want us to. In His infinite wisdom, I believe He weaves in our flaws and, yes, our mistakes and utter failures, to this complex tapestry He makes of our lives. So, this year wasn't perfect. I don't have some inspirational discourse on how amazing this past year was and how I can see how it all fell into place miraculously. But I do have faith that this imperfect year can be made perfect in God's strength and that nothing is ever wasted when you give it to the Lord. I believe I'm in my PERFECT plan and I'm looking forward to seeing where 2013 will take this little family as I attempt to be faithful... in my abundantly flawed way.

Bonne Année, tout le monde! I love you, and God does, too.

Mwah! (There's your midnight kiss in case you didn't get one;)

"I'm gonna make Santa a present because I don't think anyone's 

ever been generous enough to give him a gift!" -my son

Twenty children and six adults were gunned down in a horrific act of evil last Friday. I'm old enough to remember Columbine clearly. I will always remember names like Cassie Bernall and Rachel Scott. I will always remember the moment when school shootings became a trend- that shift between the unthinkable to the real, the present, the inerasable. Much like being old enough to remember airport security pre-9/11, it's like living on the other side of a veil that you can't pass through again. These people, these children full of hatred and consumed by anger to the point of evil, changed our world, shook our foundations of what is sacred, and robbed our safety. But you know what? I don't remember the shooters' names. And I'm determined to forget Friday's murderer's name and forever remember at least a few of those precious little souls and brave teachers who didn't deserve what happened. I fully believe that the media glorifies these terrible acts impregnating these already unstable and perhaps marginalised people with this idea of going down in history. Much like some people prefer negative attention to no attention, it's better to be remembered for something terrible than not be remembered at all, right? Wrong. There's nothing worse than a legacy of hatred and destruction. No one says, "That Hitler guy did some terrible stuff but he sure knew how to command an army... impressive." He's one of the worst things that happened to this world. Try to leave this earth with people wishing you weren't gone, not wishing you hadn't been here at all.

So, I won't remember you. I feel sorry for your mother, I feel sorry for the circumstances that brought you to this point. I feel sorry for the fact that you killed yourself and are now a lost soul. Your life counted. God loves you, you were a beautiful baby 20 years ago like everyone else. But when you made the choice to take out your pain on the most innocent of creatures... when you allowed your dysfunction to turn you into a monster, a villain of fairy-tale proportions, you lost my sympathy. My sympathy is with those children who spent their last moments terrified in a way that makes it hard for me to breathe just thinking about it. My sympathy is with Victoria who hid her students and then stood there, facing him, knowing he would kill her but using her last breaths to make sure he didn't look for those kids in that classroom. I'm not the mother of any of those kids who hid in those closets and cupboards, miraculously quiet enough, waiting to be rescued as they heard the gunshots that took their beloved teacher's life. But on behalf of all mothers, I want to thank her. 

As a mother, I can hardly watch the news. No details or elaborated stories are going to make this any more real to me. I fully understand the extent of this loss. I don't have to know every victim's story to know that each and every one of them was the absolute world to the people who loved them. I don't have to watch hours of updates to grasp that this is the epitome of unfair, unjust. Instead, I just go hold my son, who's too young to get that all I want him to do is stop squirming for a minute and let me hold him for the rest of his life! I brought him to school this morning, fairly confident that the school he attends is safe, fairly confident that I will see him this afternoon the way I see him every afternoon. I'm a mum so I already pray over him every day. I already hug him every moment like it could be the last, I already tell him I love him like it's the most important thing he needs to learn and remember in life. I'm proud to say I never really take him for granted. He's too much of a blessing for me to just get used to having. But we all get into the monotony of routine and busyness. Sometimes discipline is more important in the moment than a cuddle; sometimes harsh words are needed above encouragement. I believe correction and discipline ARE love and are necessary. But something like this happens and you want to never get mad at them again. You want to make them smile all day long, take them out of school, quit your job, and just spend all day every day baking and crafting and snuggling. And there's that tiny voice inside every time you walk away from them, every time you drive away from them... The voice that says the things I won't even say out loud right now. The fear, the what if... And it gets a little louder at times like this. You're scared to even acknowledge it, you're scared to give it power... but it already has power, doesn't it?

I like to think that I'm a pray-er. Every Christian is supposed to be, but I like to think I take prayer more seriously than most. But it's a time thing, isn't it? I can talk to God as I go through my day, I can bring Him along into my schedule, and I'm not saying that isn't good because any opportunity to share with God is good. But do I take enough time to come to Him or do I just ask Him to come to me when it's convenient for me? And for a single, working mother, when is anything ever convenient? I get into bed exhausted and always manage to waken more exhausted on the other side of night. I'm starting to think sleep is a conspiracy that actually drains you because that's my experience. I pray at night, I pray in the morning but this morning... this first school day after another veil was dropped on this world, I woke up when my alarm, that I deliberately set early so I can snooze it, went off. I rolled over, wide awake to where my son was sleeping next to me, I held him- as he batted me away because he's a violent sleeper- and I prayed. Prayed with fear. Fear of what I can't control, fear of not being a good enough pray-er to have my prayers honored, fear of not trusting God enough to take from me the burden of unknown consequence that I insist on carrying. Being a mother is like being a risk-assessor. If you've ever watched Along Came Polly, Ben Stiller's character is my brain, only my brain is 10x worse and it's running on mum fuel, which is apparently inexhaustible so you can imagine how out of hand my thought processes can get. 

Do I trust God with my kid or do I only trust Him with me? Do I believe that God loves my son more than I do or do I just think that's what I'm supposed to believe? Did God love those children as much as he loves mine? Because I want Him to love mine more, protect mine more, shield us better, honor my prayers above others. I'm being brutally honest here and saying what we're all feeling, so if you're judging my spirituality right now, you're clearly not a parent. But I am a parent and what I need to do is show my son how to be, how to feel, how to live. I need to be an example so what's my example? Living in fear? Living to make it from sunrise to sunset safely? I need to teach him to be cautious, I need to teach him to have the healthy fear that stops you from doing stupid things. But will I let these monsters- real monsters, not the kind you promise your children aren't under the bed, the potent kind that actually exist way beyond the safety and comfort of bed- rob my joy, rob my security ...rob my faith? Will I let them win? Or will I stand up for the good, teaching my son to be good, to be a light in this world corrupted by darkness? Will I show him how to be courageous and defend what's right even when cowards are threatening you, bullying you, hurting you? Is it more important to stay intact physically or to thrive in character and spirit? I know the right answers here. Yes, there are a million things to be afraid of in this world. Yes, any day could be our last. Any moment could bring total decimation to our worldview, security, and what we hold dear. But it seems like evil is winning. And I won't let it win with me, with my house. So, we will go to school every day, and I will pray like our lives depend on it, because they do. You can't afford not to pray. It's your seat belt- it would be careless not to use it. 

Lord God, if we've ever needed you, it's now. If we ever needed to spend more time on our knees than on our phones and computers, it's now. If we ever needed to take this world back and say, "No! Enough is enough. We won't let society degrade and accept it as inevitable. As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. We will be compassionate, we will raise healthy children who spread love and hope and joy faster and more deeply than the wildfires of hatred and anger. We will be the difference needed, we will trust in God with reckless abandon and we will spend every day of our lives renewing the light that is so easily extinguished and we will change this world. You tore the ultimate veil, You can tear these ones, too." ...it's now. 

Proverbs 3:5-6 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight."

Psalm 4:8

"I will lay down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord make me dwell in safety."

Philippians 4:7

"Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."

May the peace of the Lord be with these families as they try to heal from this tragedy.

I love you, bunny! 

I'm proud of you and pray that this year is your best one so far full of lots of love, laughter, discovery, and joy. Can't imagine a life without you in it.

Bonne Anniversaire, mon coeur!


You were born to make this right, you were born to change this life, you were born to chase the light.

If you've ever read this blog... or met me, you know 

I love how it makes everything look more beautiful: 

 I love the style: scarves, boots, layers

(if you're not one of those, click the tag below that says "autumn in love" to see other FALL posts:)

Based on a few discussions I've had with girl friends, I've been analysing recently what there is to the bad boy allure. Now, there's the obvious stupidities, but I should've long outgrown those. Not only am I no longer a teenager but as a teenager, I dated the tortured soul I was trying to save and I've more than learned from my mistakes. I will always be someone who sees potential, looks for the good and then tries to promote those qualities in that person. I think that makes me a good person and, often, a good friend. But if my past relationships have taught me anything it's that when someone has potential- it's just that! Potential. Meaning: They aren't there yet and they still have the potential to not actualise their gifts. It doesn't mean you were wrong about them it just means they had a choice and, sometimes, they make the disappointing choices and that's beyond your control. Walk away. Post haste.

So, I've had my fill of fixer uppers and am ready to just be with someone who comes ready-made, already! Boys need not apply. Men only. Thank you. But then why am I insanely attracted to Mark Wahlberg for all the seemingly wrong reasons? And why, when I met a nice, squeeky-clean, Christian sweetheart of a guy a couple years back did I call my sister and discuss why we can't seem to be attracted to guys who don't have an edge? Why do we complain about guys being jerks, then find a guy who's actually made it to adulthood intact and not reward him for that strength with anything more than friendship? Basically, because girls have been conditioned by fictional love stories that work out in the end to equate drama with the beginning stage of epic love and, therefore, feel without it, there is a lack of some necessary spark. Sadly, we don't seem to move on once that 'stage' becomes an actual state. But guys out there, don't rag on those romantic movies and stories too much because, in all fairness, you've done your fair share of sucking, too. And if we weren't stupid enough to give you second, third, and 100th chances in the hopes of getting that love story, there'd hardly be any couples in this world and the global population would suffer drastically. So, yes, my gender has its stupid moments (and the opposite gender has its jerky moments, too) but I resent that being the explanation for my issue after all I've been through. Surely, I'm too smart for this! Then what is it? 

I thought about it and realised I might actually have some healthy reasons for this attraction inclination: 

1.) For one, as much as I'm a "good girl"- I've never done drugs, never smoked, never been drunk, and have generally lead a lifestyle pursuing Christ- I'm hardly perfect. I've made Mistakes (and yes, that is a capital M) and have needed a lot of forgiveness in my life. I'm a redeemed soul by God's grace for the lack of judgement I've had in my past... and, er, present. It's an ongoing process and always will be. And while we all 'sin and fall short of the glory of God,' I feel like those who haven't made a good ol' monumental mistake don't grasp forgiveness the way I need my partner to. I know that I used to not understand how one could sink to certain levels because I hadn't and, pridefully, believed I couldn't.  Some people are just stronger and better people than others, right? But I have since done things that are so out of character and shameful that I need someone who knows, first hand, that you can do things that aren't you and still be you. I am not my screw ups, I'm the person you see in between them and when you've been there- truly been there and looked in the mirror and thought, "What the heck just happened?!"- you learn to see others for who they are 'in between' as well and appreciate the strength it takes to get yourself back to being your true self after each fall. You realise it's only because of God's victory that you are ever truly victorious anyway and there's empathy, understanding, and forgiveness. The 'bad boy' understands grace and can remind you who you truly are and I need that. 

2.) Secondly, as I just said, there's a strength in rebounding from mistakes. I'm not saying there isn't a strength in avoiding mistakes either, because there definitely is and kudos to those of you who are, humanly-speaking, monumental-mistake-free in general. Well done. Truly. I'm also not saying I want someone with a ton of un-dealt with baggage, because that's not it either. In fact, what I'm saying is, I wanna know that you have 'dealt with' baggage. I want to know that life has thrown you some curve balls, you've been humbled by making mistakes but you have picked yourself up and decided to be stronger. You've decided to take life lessons and learn from them and they've taught you to deal with conflict and failure and be better for it. The 'bad boy' is strong, not damaged, and can be strong for you, too.

3.) Someone who has been through the fallout of life's negative experiences has had to make one of the most difficult spiritual decisions one can make: whether or not to truly.....T-ah-RULY submit everything to God. I've known plenty of Christians who proclaim that Jesus overcomes and heals and redeems, yet they hold onto their hurt and let it affect them indefinitely. I guess I want to be with someone who has downright messed up because sooner or later, we all do. And I need to know that when you do, whenever that day comes, that you'll be capable of forgiving yourself and allowing God's redemptive power to truly permeate your spirit and life. I need to know that you're not the kind of person who kicks yourself forever or drags your family into the dysfunction you've allowed to set up camp in your soul. To lead my family, you need to know how to go to God and give up the things that will get in the way of you, and us, living a life of freedom. The 'bad boy' has learned to fully accept redemption and is therefore capable of being the leader of our pack. (That was SUPER cheesy, but I had to do it. You know I had to...)

So I guess it's not fair to say I'm straight up attracted to actual bad boys, which is why I've put that term in quotes above. I just want someone who has enough life experience to forgive and be forgiven, to leave mistakes behind, and to be stronger for it. I don't want someone who messes me about and makes me feel insecure, like real bad boys do- I actually want someone who gives me security. I guess the 'squeeky-clean' guys don't generally appeal to me because I, maybe mistakenly, feel there's slight judgement or naivety to be found there. And maybe, admittedly, that's not fair and most likely not always true. But what is true and fair is that those guys just wouldn't be compatible with me and I'm probably not what they're looking for either! So maybe I'm not totally dysfunctional for my attraction to Marky-Mark cuz I know he could throw a punch! From what I know of him, he's come a long way in his life. And that's the most attractive 'manly' quality of all. Maybe I just admire the strength involved in overcoming a less than perfect past and want to know that my man- my grown up, non-boy of a man- will appreciate that in me, too.

This video is hilarious. Subscribe to all these guys cuz they're super funny and entertaining!

...by about 6ish weeks to be not-exact. i guess i was in a hurry to get out, curious as to what wonders i was missing out on in this fantastical world. and sometimes, i wonder if anything has changed. i feel as though i've been playing catch-up most of my life with this pestering feeling that i'm missing out on something. and as each year comes and goes, i fear i've more than wasted those extra 6 weeks i was bestowed at birth.

it's my birthday today. 

happy birthday, me.

i wasn't actually born for another, ohhh, 5-6 hours or so, so i'm not claiming that next age number just yet;) i'd prefer to not claim it all for at least another year or two... or three, thank you very much. but time is irritatingly relentless and alas, i am this age whether or not i choose to accept it. i would like to be able to accept it with grace and find it's only difficult to do so when you feel that your expectations for where you thought you'd be by this time don't match where you actually are. sometimes, that motivates you to get closer to that picture of what you think your life should be. other times, you realise the picture simply needs to be adjusted. my 'picture' is definitely off. it probably needs some adjusting but it also needs some actualising. i've had a weird year... not necessarily a good or a bad one, but i would like to be grateful for it regardless and use it to fuel my drive and appreciation for the year ahead.

one of my resolutions this year was: "Celebrate what is deserving." and my life- disappointments, flaws, mistakes, detours, delays, failed expectations and all- is still worth celebrating. so won't you join me in rejoicing in the blessing that is this day no matter what your situation? happy day of my birth to you! ...and many happy returns.

*p.s. it's Friday the 13th today but so was my actual birth day. so around here, we consider it a good luck day. proceed in freedom! you're welcome;)

love has always been against the odds for me

yet i wait patiently and faithfully...

and i still believe in fairytales,

that in the nick of time

he will be mine

as i'm facing defeat.

and i still believe in fairytales,

i'm just a loving girl

who still deserves

to be swept off her feet,

and i still believe.

on a white horse or in a Mustang,

i don't care how he comes, as long as he stays,

...and i still believe.

Missing California today...

i don't even know why it is
i loved the last one,
soon it will be the same for you.
it's so hard looking back
when you're already in the next chapter,
but i really want to hold onto the truth.

so i write about it, and i sing about it,
it's the only thing i know how to do-

the way you looked into my eyes
the way you'd seem so satisfied
when i'd say, "hey, babe,"
sometimes i even miss it now
the way you'd kiss my brow as i'd vow:
'when this is through
i promise to remember you.'


will you remember?
say you'll remember-
could you please remember....


me?

I'm not sure I kept my resolutions in 2011 as well as I did in 2010.
In fact, I know I didn't.
So, to add to those, which I intend to keep and build upon, here are this year's.

(The other two can be seen by clicking on the resolutions tag at the bottom of this post.)