the wind, it blows, 

and seasons throw

me into age and grace,

light fills the room

in various hues,

and i miss you every day.

the mail, it piles,

my wardrobe styles

both change and stay the same,

the church bell tolls,

the news unfolds,

i miss you every day.

the lines are long,

i love this song,

and then it's overplayed,

movies release,

and roadworks cease,

i miss you every day.

the coffee brews,

alarms are snoozed,

everyone is on their way,

fireworks ablaze,

Happy Holidays, 

and i miss you every day.

memories resonate, 

midnight questions fate

as i solitary lay

in the bed you made

against my gainsay

and i miss you every day.

vibrance will dim,

present will win

over past and faded flames,

eventually,

you'll be over me,

and i'll miss you every day.

Hearts are fragile, but they're brave,

All the more because they break,

To risk a love

-well, it would take

A strength so delicate.

Be delicate with me.

Be loved with me.

Be in between the lines

Of recklessness and fear

Where we can trust what's here,

I trust what's here.

It isn't easy to believe
Beginnings ever do not cease,
To let this in,
Allow release,
Is a chance we both must take.

Believe with me.

Be loved with me.

Come live between the lines 

Of past innocence and tears

Where we can disappear

In safe surrender here.

Don't overthink it, love,

There's too much to conceive,

God is in the details

So we don't have to be,

Some things don't need questioned,

Blessing is a mystery,

Is this how it feels

...to know?

Be delicate with me.

Be loved indeed.

Be in between the lines

Where hopes meet peace.

Be strong with me.

Take my hand and see

We're in between the lines

Of recklessness and fear

And we can trust what's here,

      

          I trust what's here. 

♬ What a thing to believe in a dream... ♬ 

Something hurt me yesterday. I saw something and it stung. I've been trying to heal from something recently and this made me feel as though no time had passed at all; like I was stuck, breathless and trapped in the pain with nowhere to turn. As though maybe I always would be. Audrey Assad's album Fortunate Fall has really been ministering to me this week and in the song Good to Me, this one line says, "When I'm bowed down with sorrow, I will lift up your name." And that has been my 'mantra' the past month: no matter what, just praise, just lift up your head to the Lord and focus on Him. When you're hurt and confused and too much of the wrong thing is flooding in around you, just fill every available space with what you know- in your head- to be right. Pray when it hurts, listen to worship music when you can't deal with silence. It won't necessarily work right away, but it'll keep you moving in the right direction at a time when it's far too easy to slide into the wrong direction. It's like exercise; it will hurt at first, but eventually you'll realise you're fitter. But if you spend that same time not exercising, you'll just get more out of shape and farther from where you want to be. I quoted in my senior yearbook the song, "You're my glory and the lifter of my head." Whenever we sang that in church growing up, I imagined kneeling down with my head bowed in sorrow, as Audrey sings, and God gently bending down towards me, placing His finger under my chin and tenderly tilting it towards Him as though to say, "Here I am, child, look at me." 

It never ceases to amaze me how God comes through. I'm not sure if that's good or not. I mean, He always proves himself, when am I gonna stop being shocked? I think what gets me is when He's there for me in subtle ways, in ways He doesn't need to be. He created me, loves me, provides for me- does He have to care about the little things? No. And yet, He does. His eye is on the sparrow, how much more is it on me? I'm supposed to be His servant, and yet He serves me. 

There's a verse that says, "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." (James 4:8a) And there was a time when I thought that verse was backwards. Why should I draw near to You first? Sometimes I need You to come to me. But I was convicted by the realisation that that verse should really say, "Draw near to Him and you'll find, He was right beside you the whole time." Because God has made ALL the first moves. Please don't forget that. He made us, He loves us, He provides for us, He sent his son to die for us, and then He even granted us free will so that loving Him back would be our choice. He's already near, you just need to lift your head and see it; see past the mess that you're putting in His way. 

I saw this photo on pinterest recently that said, "Head up, princess, your tiara is falling," and it made me smile. When I was pregnant and feeling shameful walking back into my home church for the first time, with a 6-month belly leading the way in, one of the first worship songs sung that day said, "I'll trade these ashes in for beauty and wear forgiveness like a crown." And I felt God in that moment bend down, tilt my head towards Him and say, "You can't wear a crown with your head bowed in shame." It was such a little moment, fleeting almost in its fragility. And yet, He spoke to me, subtly, in a time when I truly needed something gentle and reassuring to quietly pierce through the chaos, guilt, and anguish. He's my glory and the lifter of my head. He's God and yet He's there for me. Wow... It's crazy how some things come full circle; how God teaches us the same lessons over and over at different points in our lives to reinforce their truth. God has given me a crown. I'm a daughter of the King; a princess. So, head up, princess.

So, as I drove home from work yesterday, I flooded myself with worship music once more just to fill the space with as much of the right thing as I could. And I talked to Him saying, "God, it just hurts. It hurts too much, I can't not see it, I don't know what to do." And I just felt Him say, "Then don't look at it, look at me. Lift your eyes up to the mountains where your help comes from. I'm right here. I love you and what you lost is not as good as what you have in me. You still have me, just keep looking at me." Because when you look down, you see the problem and the mess. It's all in your face and it's all you can see, the negativity, the wrong stuff. It narrows your scope. But God gives us the chance to be lifted out of it, to give the burden to Him to carry so we can just gaze upon His glory. Amazing... So I cried the whole way home focused on the beautiful sunshine framing the clouds on that blessedly Spring-ish day placing the image of His love in front of the painful one. And the Maker of all things ministered to me and reminded me of His love for me all night. You're just too good to me, God. You're my glory. You're the lifter of my head. You are good to me.

Joel 2:25, "I will give you back what is lost/ I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten..."

Psalm 34:18, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

in good times and bad,

i will praise You,

when happy or sad,

You're the one who

provides my every need

and reminds me to believe

You're in control, 

and there's no impossible.

I love you, bunny! 

I'm proud of you and pray that this year is your best one so far full of lots of love, laughter, discovery, and joy. Can't imagine a life without you in it.

Bonne Anniversaire, mon coeur!


You were born to make this right, you were born to change this life, you were born to chase the light.

Based on a few discussions I've had with girl friends, I've been analysing recently what there is to the bad boy allure. Now, there's the obvious stupidities, but I should've long outgrown those. Not only am I no longer a teenager but as a teenager, I dated the tortured soul I was trying to save and I've more than learned from my mistakes. I will always be someone who sees potential, looks for the good and then tries to promote those qualities in that person. I think that makes me a good person and, often, a good friend. But if my past relationships have taught me anything it's that when someone has potential- it's just that! Potential. Meaning: They aren't there yet and they still have the potential to not actualise their gifts. It doesn't mean you were wrong about them it just means they had a choice and, sometimes, they make the disappointing choices and that's beyond your control. Walk away. Post haste.

So, I've had my fill of fixer uppers and am ready to just be with someone who comes ready-made, already! Boys need not apply. Men only. Thank you. But then why am I insanely attracted to Mark Wahlberg for all the seemingly wrong reasons? And why, when I met a nice, squeeky-clean, Christian sweetheart of a guy a couple years back did I call my sister and discuss why we can't seem to be attracted to guys who don't have an edge? Why do we complain about guys being jerks, then find a guy who's actually made it to adulthood intact and not reward him for that strength with anything more than friendship? Basically, because girls have been conditioned by fictional love stories that work out in the end to equate drama with the beginning stage of epic love and, therefore, feel without it, there is a lack of some necessary spark. Sadly, we don't seem to move on once that 'stage' becomes an actual state. But guys out there, don't rag on those romantic movies and stories too much because, in all fairness, you've done your fair share of sucking, too. And if we weren't stupid enough to give you second, third, and 100th chances in the hopes of getting that love story, there'd hardly be any couples in this world and the global population would suffer drastically. So, yes, my gender has its stupid moments (and the opposite gender has its jerky moments, too) but I resent that being the explanation for my issue after all I've been through. Surely, I'm too smart for this! Then what is it? 

I thought about it and realised I might actually have some healthy reasons for this attraction inclination: 

1.) For one, as much as I'm a "good girl"- I've never done drugs, never smoked, never been drunk, and have generally lead a lifestyle pursuing Christ- I'm hardly perfect. I've made Mistakes (and yes, that is a capital M) and have needed a lot of forgiveness in my life. I'm a redeemed soul by God's grace for the lack of judgement I've had in my past... and, er, present. It's an ongoing process and always will be. And while we all 'sin and fall short of the glory of God,' I feel like those who haven't made a good ol' monumental mistake don't grasp forgiveness the way I need my partner to. I know that I used to not understand how one could sink to certain levels because I hadn't and, pridefully, believed I couldn't.  Some people are just stronger and better people than others, right? But I have since done things that are so out of character and shameful that I need someone who knows, first hand, that you can do things that aren't you and still be you. I am not my screw ups, I'm the person you see in between them and when you've been there- truly been there and looked in the mirror and thought, "What the heck just happened?!"- you learn to see others for who they are 'in between' as well and appreciate the strength it takes to get yourself back to being your true self after each fall. You realise it's only because of God's victory that you are ever truly victorious anyway and there's empathy, understanding, and forgiveness. The 'bad boy' understands grace and can remind you who you truly are and I need that. 

2.) Secondly, as I just said, there's a strength in rebounding from mistakes. I'm not saying there isn't a strength in avoiding mistakes either, because there definitely is and kudos to those of you who are, humanly-speaking, monumental-mistake-free in general. Well done. Truly. I'm also not saying I want someone with a ton of un-dealt with baggage, because that's not it either. In fact, what I'm saying is, I wanna know that you have 'dealt with' baggage. I want to know that life has thrown you some curve balls, you've been humbled by making mistakes but you have picked yourself up and decided to be stronger. You've decided to take life lessons and learn from them and they've taught you to deal with conflict and failure and be better for it. The 'bad boy' is strong, not damaged, and can be strong for you, too.

3.) Someone who has been through the fallout of life's negative experiences has had to make one of the most difficult spiritual decisions one can make: whether or not to truly.....T-ah-RULY submit everything to God. I've known plenty of Christians who proclaim that Jesus overcomes and heals and redeems, yet they hold onto their hurt and let it affect them indefinitely. I guess I want to be with someone who has downright messed up because sooner or later, we all do. And I need to know that when you do, whenever that day comes, that you'll be capable of forgiving yourself and allowing God's redemptive power to truly permeate your spirit and life. I need to know that you're not the kind of person who kicks yourself forever or drags your family into the dysfunction you've allowed to set up camp in your soul. To lead my family, you need to know how to go to God and give up the things that will get in the way of you, and us, living a life of freedom. The 'bad boy' has learned to fully accept redemption and is therefore capable of being the leader of our pack. (That was SUPER cheesy, but I had to do it. You know I had to...)

So I guess it's not fair to say I'm straight up attracted to actual bad boys, which is why I've put that term in quotes above. I just want someone who has enough life experience to forgive and be forgiven, to leave mistakes behind, and to be stronger for it. I don't want someone who messes me about and makes me feel insecure, like real bad boys do- I actually want someone who gives me security. I guess the 'squeeky-clean' guys don't generally appeal to me because I, maybe mistakenly, feel there's slight judgement or naivety to be found there. And maybe, admittedly, that's not fair and most likely not always true. But what is true and fair is that those guys just wouldn't be compatible with me and I'm probably not what they're looking for either! So maybe I'm not totally dysfunctional for my attraction to Marky-Mark cuz I know he could throw a punch! From what I know of him, he's come a long way in his life. And that's the most attractive 'manly' quality of all. Maybe I just admire the strength involved in overcoming a less than perfect past and want to know that my man- my grown up, non-boy of a man- will appreciate that in me, too.

This video is hilarious. Subscribe to all these guys cuz they're super funny and entertaining!

love has always been against the odds for me

yet i wait patiently and faithfully...

and i still believe in fairytales,

that in the nick of time

he will be mine

as i'm facing defeat.

and i still believe in fairytales,

i'm just a loving girl

who still deserves

to be swept off her feet,

and i still believe.

on a white horse or in a Mustang,

i don't care how he comes, as long as he stays,

...and i still believe.

i don't even know why it is
i loved the last one,
soon it will be the same for you.
it's so hard looking back
when you're already in the next chapter,
but i really want to hold onto the truth.

so i write about it, and i sing about it,
it's the only thing i know how to do-

the way you looked into my eyes
the way you'd seem so satisfied
when i'd say, "hey, babe,"
sometimes i even miss it now
the way you'd kiss my brow as i'd vow:
'when this is through
i promise to remember you.'


will you remember?
say you'll remember-
could you please remember....


me?

"Time never had a chance to heal your heart
Just a number always counting down to a new start
If you always knew the truth
Then the world would spin around you
Are you dizzy yet?


If everything I meant to you,
You can lick and seal then fold in two
Then I've been so blind."

So, I graduated!


Eight semesters, Dean's list a time or two, and I have no idea how I did it. People ask how I managed to get homework done while having a child and doing all the other things life entails -not to mention the endless sick days!- and my only answer, because it IS the only answer, is that it's God.

Thanks to God and the support of my family and friends, I managed to get through. It's all a bit of a blur now...

I can't believe four years have passed. Really, four and a half cuz I took a semester off. I'm relieved it's over and so happy about a homework-less life but a little nostalgic. And I'm a nerd so I'm not sure how long I can go being outside of school. haha...

Can't really tell you what I learned in university! ha... Not even sure I could re-take the exams I took last week at this point. My brain decided I was done and promptly removed all evidence of school life, I believe. But I do know I'm not the girl who started this journey in 2006. I know what I've learned as a person, as a believer, as a leader, and as a friend. And I'm grateful...

Thank you to everyone who got us here- through prayers, support or just cheering me up or being there for me so I had the motivation to get through one more day. I'm well aware that the strength needed was beyond my own. That's how we do it... haha... I am blessed. xx

(my song with my son)