so, for anyone who actually reads this, that whole opportunity thing i talked about in the 'this just in...' post- i'm over it. you may not know me personally, but i'm kinda awesome... and worthy and deserving of more than what i've received in this situation. i thought i wanted something but now i realise, i shouldn't want it because having it would be settling. i forgot that for a little while... i forgot who i am because i've had a rough year or so and sometimes, it's easy to just see all that is lacking in my life and character. it's easy to highlight flaws, because they seem the most likely reason for things not being the way i want them to be. i'm good at blaming myself. but i would like to be good at being proud of myself for things that merit pride.



so, incase we haven't met, here's me:

i'm fairly creative and good at making things. you might call me crafty or artsy or just plain handy cuz i do have a tool box, a screwdriver set, and a drill with a variety of drill bits and i use them all to take care of the house that i live in as the only adult with my son.

i'm a single mother of an extremely energetic child and i manage to show him love while keeping up the house and getting my homework done- did i mention i'm a senior at university? i'm a political science major and art minor, because i like everything. i'm a nerd. nerds are cool, you know it's true. i used to be an architecture major because i love science, math, and art. having my child made architecture a lil' impossible, though i'm ok with that.

i'm driven, ambitious and, quite frankly, i'm smart. i'm not conceited, i'm just being honest. i'm an extremely honest person...i'm also an extremely sarcastic person, so watch out for that.

i write, i play a few instruments- not expertly, but i'm teaching myself in a couple of them and practice time is limited in my life- i like to dance- though i'm a silly dancer- and music is pretty much as common in my life as eating.

i like to eat. i also genuinely like to exercise. handy little combination, there.

i'm european and have traveled quite a lot. i'm fairly cultured, aware and i speak a few languages and can find my way around even the most foreign of places. i currently live an ocean away from my family and i've survived.

i love God. i'm not perfect in my relationship with Him, but that's kind of the point, right? i'm involved with my church and passionate about the prayer ministry i head. i love working with youths. they're the future and they need to know how special they are at the time when they feel least special. if i can have any impact on a youth in their teen years, i feel like i've achieved something truly important.

all this to say, i'm a pretty decent human being. i've been through a lot and, by God's grace, i think i've handled my life fairly well. i deserve the best and i should act like it. so, to the situation that i feared i'd lost, i posit the loss is yours. and that if i can't have it, it's something i didn't need and God has something else for me that i will be faithful to wait upon.

something i told myself a few years ago. thought i'd reiterate:

"COMFORT" and "SECURITY" are two different things. 

so are "PERFECT" and "RIGHT"...

"Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon
You come and go, you come and go.
Loving would be easy if your colours were like my dreams,
Red, gold and green, red, gold and green..."

Can't figure out what to do with my hair cuz it's driving me crazy and I'm bored with it. So I'm gonna compile a lil' look through the past few years in my hair's life...

Long Hair:

Short Hair:
(the last two pictures were taken on the same day)

Medium-Length Hair:


Blonde Hair:


Black Hair:


Brown Hair (my son likes it cuz I look like him):


Highlighted Hair:

With Fringe (Bangs):


Without:

Pink and Purple:


Blue:


Rainbow:

"Sweetest Fanny,

You fear, sometimes, I do not love you so much as you wish? My dear Girl I love you ever and ever and without reserve. The more I have known you the more have I lov'd. In every way - even my jealousies have been agonies of Love, in the hottest fit I ever had I would have died for you. I have vex'd you too much. But for Love! Can I help it? You are always new. The last of your kisses was ever the sweetest; the last smile the brightest; the last movement the gracefullest. When you pass'd my window .home yesterday, I was fill'd with as much admiration as if I had then seen you for the first time. You uttered a half complaint once that I only lov'd your Beauty. Have I nothing else then to love in you but that? Do not I see a heart naturally furnish'd with wings imprison itself with me? No ill prospect has been able .to turn your thoughts a moment from me. This perhaps should be as much a subject of sorrow as joy - but I will not talk of that.

Even if you did not love me I could not help an entire devotion to you: how much more deeply then must I feel for you knowing you love me. My Mind has been the most discontented and restless one that ever was put into a body too small for it. I never felt my Mind repose upon anything with complete and undistracted enjoyment - upon no person but you. When you are in the room my thoughts never fly out of window: you always concentrate my whole senses. The anxiety shown about our Loves in your last note is an immense pleasure to me: however you must not suffer such speculations to molest you any more: nor will I any more believe you can have the least pique against me. Brown is gone out - but here is Mrs. Wylie - when she is gone I shall be awake for you. - Remembrances to your Mother.

Your affectionate
J. Keats."

be better.
don't settle.
trust more.
remember good.
forget bad.
wake up earlier.
go to bed earlier.
forgive self for not always being better.



(listen here)

currently ordering:






it may be senior year, and i may have more homework and commitments and mothering than ever before, but i am determined to read for fun! on top of the reading i'm doing with my son. it's alice in wonderland month. pictures will ensue...

"Do God and Jesus celebrate Christmas on my birthday?" - my son on the way to school today...:)

I was your lesson learned
I was your tower burned
Your leap of faith, though the faith was mine-
You never left the ground,
I made you better for the others
I would've prayed you through your struggles
You'll write a thousand songs
But I'll never be your sound.


But if you'd listened, you would've heard mine,
Yea, if you'd listened, you would've been mine,
If you'd listened, you could've shared mine
But as it stands...
As it stands: You heard n o t h i n g .

why doesn't life have a soundtrack? i was thinking today when i was listening to THIS song that it would be perfect for a first kiss moment. the aching crescendo leading up to 4:14 has, in the past couple years, prompted me to call those amazing moments that are the result of excruciatingly long and convoluted culmination "4:14 moments." it'd be fun to soundtrack movies... don't think i ever will, but it'd be a cool job. you can enhance or basically ruin the moment with the choice of music. this is why i wish music would spontaneously begin at emotional moments in real life.


anyway, going to go get ready for my son's first classmate birthday party. he was very chuffed about the invitation and has been asking all week, "is it the weekend, yet?" haha... precious.

(other good scatteredtrees songs here)

i need to feel better, like, now.

"November" by Gemma Hayes pretty much sums it up if you replace 'November' with 'the last part of January and February.'

mmm... need a hug. also, need this paper to write itself and for my midterm material to plant itself in my head. why, oh why do things never work that way??

so, have you ever felt ambiguous about a situation until something happens that basically robs you of the choice? i've been confused about something; how i felt about something. did i want it? did i not? what was best? what should i do? what shouldn't i do? how much more should i pray about it? blabbidy-blablablah... and now, i think it's no longer even a possibility. and knowing that has cleared the ambiguity: i want it. and not cuz i'm the kind of person who wants what i can't have, cuz i am quite the opposite kind of person. it's more like i wanted it all along but was inhibited by my overly-analytical side. (and in case you're wondering, this has nothing to do with the previous posts. this is fresh crappiness!:)

time to say never?

You'll get over me...
Then I'll get over you,
We'll look back and wonder what it is that we went through.
You'll question was it love at all,
Did you truly allow yourself to fall?
But I'll know.
Though you won't let it out~
Preferring doubt to missing out,
I'm not afraid to say I love you,
Cuz it's truth.
Though I'll have to let you go, I will still know
I will still know...

how bittersweet the dreams undreamt,
the words unsaid,
the nights unspent

the feelings our hearts seem to share
the looks that turn to silent stares
are frozen by the light of day
and the truth that things can't be this way.

i see your secret smile
and wonder if in a while
it will release the light it traps behind your eyes-
the same light i try so hard to disguise.

your embrace, it feels like home
as the scent of your cologne fills up my head

reluctantly you walk away
sighing all you didn't say
as i'm left in a cloud of you...
and doubts that this is true.

I'm tangled up in you

don't tie me down just now,

my heart should not yet settle
but looking into auburn eyes
can't help but feel there's nothing better

can't tell you those three words
or i'll drown within their depth
but my heart still holds their truth
it's like gasping for each breath

keep your distance now
though my heart breaks for each mile
hide your face from me
though my soul aches for your smile


i'm scared of loving you
i am scared that i already do
i'm scared of loving you-
of loving you the way that i do

so, keep your distance now
though my heart breaks for each mile
hide your face from me
though my soul aches for your smile

don't tie me down just now,
my heart should not yet settle
but looking into auburn eyes
can't help but feel there's nothing better...

not to be conceited or anything, but i'm relatively smart...



and nietzche was an incoherent babbler of a man. i understand the words he uses...which is why i'm capable of understanding that they don't make sense when put together in that order.

perhaps there was a reason he never married... i'm just sayin'...

oh, God, will this class ever end??